Sex, Solved

I.

What’s the difference between a partner and a fuck buddy? (Barring stupid games of sexual manipulation)

PARTNERS

Person 1: I’m headed to this place.

Person 2: I’m headed there too.

Person 1: Wanna go together?

Person 2: Sure!

* * *

FUCK BUDDIES

Person 1: I’m headed to this place.

Person 2: I’m headed somewhere different, but I can go your way for a bit. Want me to come?

Person 1: Sure!

II.

There was someone, once, who would see me when she was around. She promised me nothing. We knew there was no future at all for us. She made it clear for me in the sweetest way.

She touched me and held me outside. Sent me money when I was broke. (That was nice.) Fucked me just how I like it. Toasted me with sweet wine at brunch, and said: Everyone here knows that I want you.

She was never mine, and I was never hers. Everything was so… good…

So many people have promised me the world. No one has delivered. It’s somehow all worse when they try and fail, than if they never try at all.

III.

In this society, people want everything to be simple. It’s ALWAYS or NEVER. It’s THE WHOLE SHITLOAD or NONE AT ALL.

There’s nothing unusual about someone sprinkling pepper on his food, but if you see that same person eating bowls of pepper, then you know he’s got a problem. In some aspects of life we do understand the concept of moderation. Right? So why do people think they have to be BORING NERDS or STUPID SHITS? Why is it ROSS or JOEY, when Ross is a martyr whose goodness is unsustainable and unhealthy, and Joey is disgustingly selfish? Why is it that people think I must feel only SWEET PLATONIC ADORATION for someone or WANT TO USE THEM LIKE A FUCKING WHORE? No one seems to understand how it’s possible for me to respect and admire someone and also desire them sexually.

The question isn’t how I combine the two, but why they were ever separated in the first place. If everyone felt and nourished sexual desire only for people they respected, that solves the whole problem of rape culture / sexual harassment / “it’s complicated” – type relationship where one is screwing the other emotionally. That’s how sex is supposed to work between humans, because of this whole society thing that we have where we aren’t compelled biologically to fuck everyone all the time to propagate the species. (See: every other living thing on earth.) We have these complex brains that make sex a socially complicated thing. It’s not just for making babies anymore. It means a lot of things. It’s difficult to handle. That’s why children aren’t allowed to have sex. That’s why you need to think and act like an adult if you want to have sex. And that all starts, again, with consideration for another person’s thoughts and feelings.

“But we agreed it was just sex!” Shut up. Humans rarely ever say what they really mean. Most communication is nonverbal. Babies and children understand situations and build relationships with others without knowing a single word. You communicated things without words. You made promises with your kisses. I know you didn’t mean to, but you did. Your words don’t excuse you. And if someone did this to you, their words don’t excuse them either. If you’re going to nitpick a previous agreement to escape your obligation to take care of the feelings of the human being you’ve been fucking, you’re not a person who’s trying to have a connection with someone else; you’re a freaking lawyer. Put your dick away and take your shit to court where it belongs.

IV.

I have sex with someone now. She reads this… (Hi!!!) We talk. I like to make sure that she’s fine, and she does too.

I know it sounds like bullshit, but I really do think that someone else can make her happier than I can.

I won’t claim a heart that I can’t care for.

Your dear heart is probably more precious than you think. And if I stole it by mistake, I’m going to give it back because hearts belong with whoever (whomever?) can care for them the best.

But since we’re both going this way…

Why Women Need To Learn How To Give Themselves O’s

Alternative Titles:

• Why You Should Masturbate As Soon As Possible
• Why You Should Masturbate Every Day

1. You Will Stop Being So Irritated (With Me)  

Research has demonstrated the association between vaginal orgasm and better mental health. Some theories of psychotherapy assert a link between muscle blocks and disturbances of both character and sexual function. (Nicholas A., et. al, 2008).

Disturbances of character. Freaking DISTURBANCES of CHARACTER. Could it be that your bitchiness and inclination to gossip about other people and bite the head off anyone who looks at your boyfriend the wrong way is all because you don’t have enough orgasms? Trinity says yes.

(Note: I’ve been too often on the receiving end of gossip and jealousy from straight women, that’s why this part sounds so bitter.)

2. You Will Save Money and Eat Healthier

Instead of reaching for comfort food and making stupid purchases when you feel upset and need something to make you feel better NOW, have an orgasm TOTALLY FREE of charge and with no repercussions whatsoever.

3. Like, So Many Health Reasons, You Guys 

4. You Will Date Better People 

Having taken care of your sexual urges on your own, you’ll be much less tempted to have sex with people who aren’t right for you because your hormones won’t be screaming at you to have sex. You will be able to consider your choices with much more clarity.

Also, if you happen to meet someone who’s smoking hot, you won’t reek of desperation and insecurity because you will know that you are a sex goddess and you can make yourself come like no one can.

5. You Will Have Better Sex

It’s usually much harder for women to achieve orgasm than men, obviously. It’s sort of a complicated procedure, for most women. If you learn how to do it to yourself, then

a) you can teach your partner exactly how to do it to you and thus preclude weird, stupid guessing games where your partner feels pressured to make you orgasm, and you feel pressured to have an orgasm

b) you can accept that your vagina is one difficult customer and have sex for purely non-orgasmic pleasure

How-To to follow, maybe.

 

HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR YOUNG GIRLFRIEND

This post is for older women dating or planning to date a young girl.

(By “older women” I mean usually around 25 or older, and by “young girl” I mean usually around 21 or younger – although it’s entirely possible for someone above 21 to still think and act immaturely and thus could be called an adolescent.)

The most sensible advice would be to not date an adolescent, of course, but this relationship dynamic is so captivating and exciting that I doubt you’d be able to help yourself if it happened to you. To mitigate the damage, I have some ideas.

edit: To be more specific, this post is for older women who are being pursued by younger girls. In other words, you’re attracted, but it’s her idea. If it was your idea, what’s wrong with you? Stop it. 

also, obviously there’s a natural filter for the type of girl that pursues older women. I can’t say exactly what kind of girl this would be, but definitely different and more intense than others her own age. 

I.

As a culture, we have some pretty hard-and-fast rules about what you should and shouldn’t do with adults and children. It’s mostly to do with precluding the possibility of abuse, because actions that are abusive for a child may not be abusive for an adult, and actions that are abusive for an adult may not be abusive for a child.

For example, if you lived with an adult and you told her that she is never to leave the house without your permission, that’s abuse. However, if you lived with a child and you told her that she can go out and stay out whenever she damn well pleases, including the middle of the night, that’s abuse.

The difference is that an adult knows how to take care of herself and should be allowed to do what she wants. A child does not know how to take care of herself, and thus needs to be controlled. “Don’t cut class. Eat your vegetables. Put that whiskey down.”

The trouble with adolescents is that they’re neither child nor adult, and it becomes hard to know what is and isn’t abuse. Should you let your adolescent girlfriend cut class to have sex with you? Should you force her to drink her meds when she doesn’t want to? Should you make her stop hanging out with those creeps that clearly just want to take advantage of her? For an adult to date an adolescent is much more difficult than for adults to date each other, or adolescents to date each other.

II.

The first step is to maybe not date an adolescent, which I already said and you haven’t stopped reading, so you probably want to know my advice. Fine. Okay. Let’s see. This is really hard.

Since you insist on dating an adolescent, the real first step now is to assess your own identity. Do you know what you can and can’t compromise about? Do you know the limits of how much you can allow this relationship to influence your life? Take stock of your current situation, especially concerning family and your professional life: is there a specific career track that you’re on? To what extent can you allow this relationship to derail your progress? If the answer is that there isn’t any room for deviation from your plans, see the other first step again: Don’t date an adolescent.

Why? Because to an adolescent, everything is immediate. They’re wired that way. Everything is new, everything has massive importance. Every slight needs to be addressed NOW. They’re like newborn babies who don’t understand that you have a big presentation on which rests your next promotion, and needs a nappy change / bottle / hug and burp NOW. Except what they need is emotional reassurance. They won’t do it on purpose to make you miserable, it’s the way they are.

To a newborn baby who hasn’t yet learned to go to the toilet or mix up some formula for itself, being left alone makes it feel like it’s going to DIE. An adolescent who hasn’t yet learned to give herself emotional reassurance (or hasn’t yet become so emotionally closed off as to never need reassurance) feels like she’s going to DIE if you don’t give her the reassurance she needs. There is absolutely no way to make a baby / adolescent understand that you not being able to meet their needs immediately doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. They’re literally incapable of understanding that even if you say the words to them over and over again.

“Hmm, Trinity, I don’t think all adolescents are as emotionally labile as you say.” True. But an adolescent madly in love with a sexy, older woman such as yourself is experiencing an upheaval of identity. It’s like a newborn baby being suddenly thrust into a completely new environment. New sights, new sounds, new smells – everything is unfamiliar now. (By sights and sounds and smells, of course I mean your wonderful trysts in bed together.) The baby / adolescent is going to need much more reassurance than normal.

III.

Okay, so you’ve assessed your identity and think it’s totally fine that you get fired from your position as the executive next in line to the head of your department, because she’s really just so smart and pretty and you’ve never met anyone like her. Fine. Suit yourself.

The second step is to assess the mental health of your adolescent girlfriend. Does she have a history of depression, mania, suicidal tendencies? Is she getting help for them? If everything’s going shipshape, keep watch for signs of mental disturbance. Just Google them, don’t make me spoon-feed you everything.

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s hard to know what behavior you should and shouldn’t control when it comes to adolescents. Obviously it’s going to be different depending on your relationship dynamic, but caring for your adolescent girlfriend’s mental health is one aspect of her behavior where you should probably take control. If she’s been prescribed medication, make sure she takes it. If she says the meds suck, make sure the doctor reassesses the prescription. If she starts talking all the time about killing herself, force her to see a psychiatrist, and tell the other people who are close to her, even if she doesn’t want you to.

IV.

So now you know what to do: Be ready to endanger all other aspects of your life, and be ready to face terrifying mental health problems. And these are only the two most common – you may have a fun festival of other issues plaguing adult-adolescent relationships, such as social disapproval, alienation from your partner’s peers, disconnect of cultural tastes, unequal sex drive, etc., etc.

It almost definitely won’t last, but you’ll also almost definitely never forget this girl, and this girl will absolutely never forget you.

 

Pictured: you! Right before you lose everything.

Some Sexy Thoughts

I. ON PORN: In my life I’ve met maybe two or three other women who say they like porn, but I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t like love scenes in movies. Who doesn’t want to watch two (or more?) beautiful people that they’re emotionally invested in getting it on? Imagine if, instead of lasting for only a few minutes at most, those love scenes just went on and on for your viewing / masturbating pleasure. “But Trinity,” you say (nobody calls me Trinity) “there isn’t any porn like that.” Yes there is. You do have to wade through a sea of sticky, disgusting nonsense before you find it though. Obviously I can’t link to any, but Malena Morgan and Elle Alexandra’s work together is a good place to start.

II. GUYS SUCK: Guys suck so, so bad at sex. Otherwise, straight women wouldn’t treat it like a chore, and lesbians wouldn’t be orgasming left and right while straight women lie in bed next to their snoring partner, totally unfulfilled.

III. REASONS TO HAVE SEX: I’ve realized that there are only two reasons, ever, to have sex: For connection and pleasure. Sex can be used for many different things: As a bargaining tool, as a way to get closer to someone, as ego fulfillment, as a gift, an entreaty, etc. Some of these purposes may seem good, but ultimately would damage a healthy self-perception and perception of your partner. If you used sex to get closer to someone, and the whole thing goes south, you’ll regret it. But if you had sex with someone simply because you wanted to, whatever happens afterwards won’t cause you to regret it.

IV. PENETRATION: Penetration during arousal is the best thing ever. Penetration without arousal is the worst thing ever and will definitely hurt like hell. It’s not as simple as being wet / not wet because you can’t replicate pure animal lust and desire with a bottle of lube. Reasons for not getting aroused enough for penetration include: physiological reasons (like poor health or being on some medication that has decreased libido as a side effect); you’re trying to have straight sex but you’re actually gay; you’re trying to have gay sex but you’re actually straight; circumstances that are not conducive to arousal (such as playing human pretzels in the backseat of a tiny car); your partner isn’t your type; your partner doesn’t know how to touch you.

Reasons Why I Like Being a Lesbian

1. Most of the hard work of fighting for social acceptance already accomplished
2. Malena Morgan’s videos
3. Statistically speaking, am more likely to excel in traditionally masculine fields like hard sciences and business than straight women
4. Am freer of social expectations (I don’t give a shit what people think of me)
5. Less time spent on my looks means more time developing my skills
6. Much lower risk of STDs than straight people and gay men
7. I don’t suck at driving
8. I can easily dodge the advances of slimy dudes
9. I avoid most typical self-defeating behaviors of straight women like reducing oneself in a show of support for others, endless gossiping, catfighting over guys (though since most of my friends have been guys, there has been the errant jealous girlfriend or two).
10. No fear, ever, of being date-raped
11. Nothing to choke on when I’m giving head
12. Fingers are much more precise than d***s. Plus can add or remove for size adjustment
13. I have long fingers (only strong on one hand though)
14. Lesbians who aren’t insane can love better than any guy

A Lesbian Recaps Maleficent

Maleficent is the most powerful fairy in her land. Her weakness is iron. As a young fairy, she revealed her weakness to a human boy with whom she became close. One night when they were older, he cut off her wings and stole them away while she was sleeping, and revealed her weakness to the human kingdom (the most vivid metaphor for rape / oppression of the patriarchy I’ve ever seen).

After that she built a wall of thorns around her land, defended herself, became closed off, the plausible responses when a person is betrayed.

Then she chose to take revenge on the man who betrayed her by cursing his baby daughter, you know this part.

Inexplicably, he then sends her away with some fairies who live in Maleficent’s kingdom. Inexplicably also, Maleficent starts watching over the baby she cursed, and caring for her (caught her when she fell from a cliff, sent her food when she was hungry, had her pet bird rock her cradle to help her sleep).

When the girl, Aurora, is almost of age(!!!!) Maleficent finally reveals herself in a creepy scene where she magically knocks out Aurora and brings her to a darkened clearing. Then she hides behind some shrubbery like a creepy stalker, waiting for Aurora to wake. When she does, the following convo takes place:

A: I know you’re there. Don’t be afraid.
M: I’m not afraid.
A: So come out.
M: Then you’ll be afraid.

Maleficent is dark, sexy, strong, powerful, damaged, jaded. Aurora is light, soft, sweet, innocent, young, dumb. I was terribly aroused, that goes without saying.

Obviously, Maleficent has been in love for a long time. Aurora falls in love here. “It’s so beautiful,” she gushes. “It’s everything dreamed it would be,” right before M. knocks her out again with magic knockout gas and puts her to bed, cause she’s in love and all, but children can be really annoying in their enthusiasm.

They have a bunch of sweet dates, going around the magic woods and probably having illicit sex while the camera is discreetly looking away.

at some point, M. tells A. about her trauma and loss:

M: I had wings once. They were stolen from me. They were strong. They could carry me high above the clouds, and they never faltered. Not even once.

Then on one of those dates, this happens:

A: When I’m older, I want to come and live here with you. Then we can look after each other. (“U-HAUL TIME!!!!”)

M: You don’t have to wait til you’re older. You can live here now. (“FUCK YEAH IT’S U-HAUL TIME!”)

Naturally though, there always comes that awkward moment in every lesbian relationship where it’s revealed that one put an evil curse on the other when she was a baby, as revenge on her dad whom she used to date. What a tool, I’m really sorry babe…

A. handles this discovery by running off to the palace to find her dad, who immediately locks her up while mobilizing his iron-fortified army to kill Maleficent. She falls into the curse and is laid out on a nice bed to sleep for a bit, hence the fairy tale’s name.

M. responds by looking for a prince to give her true love’s kiss and break the curse (“Maybe this life isn’t good for you babe, how about dating guys… EVEN THOUGH IT TOTALLY BREAKS MY HEART, I WANT YOU TO LIVE WITHOUT ME RATHER THAN DIE WITH ME” – oh my god the romance of it is so tremendous).

The stupid loser prince doesn’t break the curse, of course. He’s dragged away by the other fairies and Maleficent is left alone with the sleeping beauty. She stands over her and gives this touching speech:

“You stole what was left of my heart, and now I’ve lost you forever.”

That isn’t even subtext at all anymore.

Then she leans over and gives her a gentle kiss on the forehead, but of course we all know that’s only because you can’t show grown women passionately kissing young girls in Disney movies.

When Aurora (totally unexpectedly) wakes from true love’s kiss (!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!) the camera pans away discreetly again so they can have sex.

While sneaking out to shop at Ikea for matching bathroom sets and new bedsheets, they’re caught by the army, who proceed of course to lash M. with iron from all sides. M. yells at A. to run. Luckily, she runs straight into the room where her dad had locked up Maleficent’s wings all these years, in a heavy glass cabinet.

Back in the hall, M. is near death, pinned under an iron net. Her pet-bird-turned-dragon is caught in chains.

Aurora pushes the cabinet down and it shatters, releasing the wings. (THROUGH THE LOVE OF AN INNOCENT, TRUSTING YOUNG GIRL, THE POWER OF A WOMAN IS RESTORED!!! omg.)

As the wings reattach to M.’s back, she gives a small but significant sound, partly gasp and partly moan, pushed from the depth of her belly and cast from the back of her throat – not unlike the sound I emit in orgasm, or so I like to think.

She rises up, all leather and black wings and horns and pure unadulterated Angelina Jolie sexiness and power.

From then on, the battle against the patriarchy is pretty much in the bag, seeing as how if only women would support each other instead infighting and gossiping about each other and shit, things would be much better by now.

M. names Aurora queen of her kingdom, and obviously they sex happily ever after.

but this needs to be said

“The clearest way to tell someone that you don’t want to talk to them is to not talk to them”  – tattooed on my brain

* * * *

experiencing a rather nauseating deja vu right now.

The only people I need protection from is people who are going to promise to look after me, take my time and my love and give me shit in return.

I’ve been catcalled, accosted by random guys, sexually abused – before I was 12.

Before I had even understood sex, let alone developed a sexuality.

I’ve been groped in cars by friends I trusted. I’ve been verbally abused online and through text – before I was 18.

Before I ever had sex. Before I ever took a single provocative photo. Before I ever even owned any remotely sexy clothes.

Innocence is the ultimate provocateur to predators – do you see? Since I began owning my sexuality, no one has dared touch me without my permission. No one has verbally harassed me either – that last one I’m not sure why, since a lot of people feel freer to say horrible things online, but I’m not gonna complain.

Stuck in stage 2

On the menu tonight: self-loathing, with a side of spite.

This is cherry-picked from TLP’s Shame, supposedly a piece about a sex addiction film, but TLP only ever uses things to illustrate ideas that make me hate everyone including myself. I’ve linked to it before but not again cause I don’t want to make it easier for people to read it and upset themselves.

* * * * * *

He knows what normal looks like – he can fake it – but he can’t feel it inside. What to do? Brandon tries to create a fake world where he acts like a normal person, and substitute it for the real one where he is not. This is why he walks around as one who is in a dream.

So with that seeing of a world within a world, Brandon decides to try a normal relationship – go on a date, connect, love. Of course he runs the date like it’s a movie scene, does things he assumes normal people do in normal relationships: he asks out a nice girl named Marianne, takes her out to a nice dinner, orders wine, talk about where she’s from, etc.

He did everything he could, upfront, to sabotage his chance for a real relationship. He chose her because he “knew” it would fail, and when it wasn’t failing he hit the failsafe: impotence. Just to be sure, he tells her on the first date he doesn’t think there’s a point to marriage. Glad we got that out of the way, gives a gal a sense of possibilities. That’s him trying to be normal? No. That’s him trying to fail.

He picks women he won’t get along with to reinforce his belief that he isn’t normal – so that he can just throw himself into his aloneness. He doesn’t want to change.

If this is true, it brings us to a very important conclusion: he was using her. No, he didn’t use her for sex, but he wasn’t going to really love her either. He was using her for his identity. Read this again and understand: when he uses a very nice girl with a legitimate interest in him for his pathetic charade at normality, he feels nothing for her.

A Further Note on That Earlier Note

“Reading The Well of Loneliness was one of the things that helped me make it through the concentration camps… I wanted to live long enough to kiss a woman.” – a Polish woman after WW2

In the beginning, we would stay in for stretches of a full day and a night, having sex and stopping only to sleep and eat.

Once I woke up in the darkness to her touching me, almost inside me. And I realized that my body had started responding to her even when I wasn’t awake, not even dreaming.

Masturbation is often just a treat for myself, like junk food or a frivolous purchase – a personal indulgence. Sometimes, however, it feels like much more. It’s a huge part of how I began connecting with my own body (which has led me, among other things, to eat better, quit smoking, sleep more) and feeling more comfortable and secure with being alone.

Today reminded me of those days and nights with her, when everything was so new that the world receded to a dull background noise for both of us, and we were only vaguely aware of the passage of time. Every single moment was pure, unabated pleasure: the buildup, the intensity, the gentle descent. The quiet talks. The slow drift into deep sleep and complete rest. Wake for food. Begin again.

It was exactly the same cycle today, with myself. I fully believe that to connect with someone else, a person has to learn to connect with herself first. Not herself only, but herself first.

I was surprised, I guess, at how much pleasure and contentment I could make myself feel. I laid out food in the morning. As the hours passed, I came alone in bed again and again. After each time I’d drift off to sleep under the soft, thick comforter, not bothering to wash, like how we’d do then, happy to be covered in each other’s warmth and smell.

It isn’t this way for me all the time when I masturbate. But when it is, it’s so wonderful. I’ve mentioned before how society’s uncomfortable with nakedness – so much so that many people can’t even be naked in front of themselves, and feel love.

I’m so grateful for this.

* * * * *

unrelated? recently I passed a group of varsity athletes in their tiny tiny shorts with their long legs and strong arms and woman-swaggers and ponytails a-swing, and I had a brief vision of them somehow fucking me all at once and for some reason, I had no choice in the matter at all.

Note on My Heightened Sexuality As of Late

For most of my life, my period never affected me much either way. I secretly suspected that most other girls exaggerated the pain and the hormonal changes so that they would have an excuse to be dicks to everyone around them.

(It’s also possible that because I was miserable all the time, being on my period didn’t change much for me. However, since I’ve been quite cheerful and energetic as of late, I’m much more attuned now to negative fluctuations in my mood.)

Anyway, the menstruation gods saw fit to punish me for my secret arrogance and judgment of (what I thought were unnecessarily) bitchy girls. I had the worst period of my life last year, when I was in a mall and suddenly, little imps began cruelly twisting hot knives inside me, probably while laughing demonically to themselves. The pain radiated throughout my whole body. I turned pale, broke out in a cold sweat, and began dry-heaving while bent over (I didn’t have any food in my stomach, thankfully). I was brought to the employee infirmary, shivering with cold, nausea and pain. I took meds and got a hot-water bottle and napped for a while then I was fine. Afterwards, fear of dying led me to call and message my friends about how much I loved them, though I guess that’s not relevant.

As I’ve discovered lately, though, physical pain is only one of the cruel, inventive ways that the menstruation gods torture ladies for daring to have functional reproductive systems. I’ve also been having painful cramps and intense nausea lately, but since the incident last year this is nothing. The fresh hell that’s been visited upon me is an unrelenting horniness.

Most unluckily for me, I started feeling this way right before making my latest dating-site profile, so now I’ve presented myself to be a huge slut. It’s true that I have an inordinate sexual appetite, but perhaps not to the extent that my photo and info would suggest.

I got my period soon after, and I realized that was the reason why I’ve been feeling this way. I told my friend about it and she asked me why I wouldn’t just change it, then. I said that it would feel kind of fickle for me or maybe uncourageous in some way. Anyway, that’s staying up.

Other manifestations: I think of the desire coming off from [redacted] the last time we met and imagine her thinking of doing things to me. I’m sexually attracted to this character Regina* from the Dino Crisis 2 game that I play, who’s barely even 3-dimensional (it’s a very old game). I’d managed to get over my desire for [redacted] in the past several months, but it’s flared up again right now. I often recall how [redacted] would touch me anywhere and everywhere – in movie theaters, in cabs, in mall bathrooms, in her shared room while her roommate was trying to sleep. Insufferably rude, we were. It was horrible. It was wonderful.

*She’s described within the game as the only documented human to ever survive an encounter with a T-rex; she’s the only character to reprise her role from the first game, Dino Crisis 1; she moves much faster than the other character you’ll control in the game, and carries much better weapons; she has a powerful stance, broad shoulders, wide hips and small breasts (an extremely rare body type for female characters to have in video games); she wears a sexy yet functional outfit; she has red hair; she’s essentially compassionate but she makes a lot of barbed quips.