Porn ban, unemployment, lithium, bpd, fsdaf;kljd

1. Some porn sites have been shut down since January 14 here in the Philippines. One is a personal favorite of mine. It’s to address to issue of child pornography, which is obviously extremely important, but since it is “yet to be known if the adult websites have violated any provision of the anti-child pornography law”, that probably doesn’t accomplish much. Considering how much porn does for society (good and bad) I don’t think the government should go around shutting down websites willy-nilly. Haha, I just said willy-nilly while talking about porn. Willy-nully. Get it? Because the willies are now nonexistent? Null-y?

Moving along. I actually don’t have anything else to say on this topic right now. I’m just mildly upset because my favorite site would load videos and they would stay loaded  while my laptop slept, so I got the advantage of having videos ready for watching without internet and without saving them to my laptop.

2. Today we had a report. My professor liked it. I’m good at storing information in my head for a short period of time and relaying it before it expires. Could I do that for a living? Is that a marketable skill? Because I don’t have much else going for me. I don’t even really know my way around Excel.

3. I don’t know if it’s because I’m sick, or because I’m on my period, or it’s the meds, but I can’t seem to stop eating. My psychiatrist is blind to the problem, which I’m fine with, except it’s probably not good for me. She is also in denial about the fact that the country is running out of lithium. My mother lives in fear it’ll run out and I’ll turn into a raving maniac or a suicidal zombie. Which isn’t too unreasonable of her. It’s like running out of wolfsbane potion.

4. I had a friend with borderline personality disorder for a while. I wanted to love her, (platonically) but I don’t think she would have ever wanted that. I miss her.

5. 

1. fhdjkslahjflkd
2. fdjskalhjkdf

 

Random thoughts

People of ancient civilizations told each other myths because they couldn’t explain the world around them. Things that are now as prosaic as rainfall or the coming and going of the seasons were so mysterious, their origins so far beyond understanding, that the only way to console their ignorance was to tell a story…

* * * * * *

The origins were almost always traumatic. The murder of a family; a failed experiment; the death of a planet. In each case, something was irretrievably lost; something irrevocably gained. Their stories are long, but not encapsulated neatly between the covers of a heavy book – they span decades and leap between universes –

– and can always be rewritten as the mind and pen see fit.

Whereas my destiny seems trapped in stern lines.

* * * * * *

I think my country is dying. My regard for our leader and for myself followed practically the same trajectory. I loathe him / myself. I’m not sure what significance that has, or if it has anything to do with anything, but it’s a fact.

I think my country is dying. I never really loved it but I never hated it as much as he seems to hate it.

* * * * * *

Someday I hope my suffering and confusion could seem, too, as prosaic as the rain.

Things I Did To Avoid Completely Losing My S*** While Locked Underground and Physically and Mentally Abused For Three Weeks

1. Sang “Someone’s Waiting For You” to myself
2. Took showers as often as possible
3. Kept a picture of my cat on my bedside trolley-table (drawn by my roommate)
4. Wrote many letters threatening to sue all my doctors
5. Tried as hard as possible to draw realistic colored pictures from a magazine (left by the same roommate who drew my cat)
6. Played Plants vs. Zombies on the computer (the only game on it)
7. Wrote on the computer
8. Ate sweets
9. Masturbated often
10. Replayed Jenna Marbles videos in my head
11. Read novels
12. Thought about Gulf War POW’s and about how lucky I was to not get beaten up every day
13. Ran on a treadmill
14. Crossed off days on a calendar

A Few Questions

1. Where do the wild and lonely thoughts that come alive late at night go to sleep in the morning light?

2. When is a prison not a prison?

Spoiler: when it’s a VIP room in Bilibid

3. Why do literary theorists love so much to repeat words in such a fashion: “both fatal and fated to die,”* “both castrated and castrating?”** Perhaps it’s something they’re taught to do in school

4. Is the sudden and exponential rise of interest in large musical productions such as stadium concerts and music festivals a manifestation of the perennial human yearning to belong to something bigger than just oneself? For at these times the mass of humanity moves as one, even if it’s just to uselessly jump up and down like excited infants, or panicking interns

I am definitely missing out

5. I wonder if I could be able to go to the park every day and play there, and if my kitten can go with me.

6. Wonder what my kitten’s doing right now?

7. Why am I on so many medications?

8. So many famous historical figures, especially artists, were (or would have been) diagnosed with mental illness. Who’s to say what’s a mental illness, anyway? The DSM changes like a teenager’s mind about what to do with her life. How many of today’s would-be great artists are being medicated into stupors

9. Continuing that thought, I’d be the last person to say that one should preserve a clear illness just to maintain an artistic productivity. What I’m trying to say is that I wonder how many of the people diagnosed today with a mental illness actually just contain an excess of emotional and physical energy that would find a glorious outlet through an art form? With guidance and encouragement?

10. So much of modern life has to do with finding ways to trigger release of dopamine into people’s brains. There are infinite ways to do this. Phone apps are one of them. Every crop grown, row of jewels matched, like or heart triggers a release. What I wonder is, could the anxiety from being deprived of these things be as strong as actual withdrawal from a drug

11. When will everyone see that the transition of the economy into a renting economy needs more regulation? For as of now, companies involved in the renting industry take massive advantage of renters and rentees alike. (Airbnb of homeowners, Uber of car owners, Spotify of musicians, Steam of game developers, etc. etc.)

12. Why does this house make me so sleepy?

13. Will I be able to trade my board for another with different screw positionings?

14. Hmmm.

15. Why is MØ so emotional that her saddest songs bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes?

16. Could it be that a mastery of bokeh is the secret to successful and popular modern photography?

nothing could be better

17. How much of my hatred for popular culture is borne of jealousy and the bitterness of being forever an outsider?

My internal expression forever?

*John Weir,

**David Rudd, University of Boston

Featured image by Leonid Tishkov, from a series about a man who fell in love with the moon and spent the rest of his life with her (Private Moon).