Trigger warning: mental illness, abuse, trauma
PART 1: WHAT IS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER?
Borderline personality disorder is one of the vaguest diagnoses ever to find its way into the pages of the DSM (the “authoritative” guide to mental illness which is nevertheless subject to ongoing, radical revisions). Supposedly, manifesting 5 out of 9 symptoms warrants a BPD* diagnosis. What happens if the diagnosed borderline later only manifests 4 out of 9 – do they no longer have the disorder? Some professionals get around this question by saying that BPD is a spectrum. That’s somewhat similar to saying your partner is on a “cheating spectrum”. The hurt and chaos occur regardless.
Even those trained to diagnose and treat BPD will sometimes refrain from giving a BPD diagnosis. Diagnostic tests are often marked plainly “BPD Diagnostic Test”** and prefaced with a vague description as a test to derive information about one’s emotions and behavior. Psychiatrists often conceal a diagnosis of BPD from the patient or offer a noncommittal answer (such as “possible BPD” or “BPD traits”) – especially if the patient is generally cooperative during therapy.
The stigma around BPD is evident in pop culture. The list of public figures that have chosen to share diagnoses of mental illness such as depression or bipolar disorder is long – a casual glance at the Wikipedia page “List of people with bipolar disorder” reveals more than 200 names of well-beloved (or at least moderately respected) notables from professions as varied as athletics, culinary arts, business, film, journalism and even a handful of politicians. In contrast, the Wiki for “List of people with borderline personality disorder” turns up a short and grim list consisting mostly of victims or perpetrators of violent crime.
The reason for this should be obvious: BPD is a personality disorder. Unique among all types of mental illness, personality disorders are manifested only through the disordered way that these people relate to others. A schizophrenic will manifest delusions whether or not anyone is around to hear about them, a depressed person will cry and self-isolate regardless of how other people treat them, a manic person will run around in enthusiasm and ecstasy even if no one is around to witness their behavior; but people with personality disorders require other people on whom to manifest their symptoms. A borderline cries and self-isolates in response to other people treating them in ways they perceive as hurtful or unfair, and usually with the aim of influencing others to “correct” the situation; their psychotic episodes are always triggered by external stimuli; and if they act manic, this is always in response to occurrences within relationships, especially new ones where they are still splitting the person white.
How can anyone with such a destructive personality ever manage to find people on whom to manifest their symptoms?
PART 2: HOW IT BEGINS
“She spied on our lives, and she saw that we weren’t happy.”
It’s difficult for most people who are in love with borderlines to wrap their heads around the contrast between the person they fell in love with and the malevolent spirit that now seems to inhabit that person’s body. It seems impossible to understand this person’s motives and feelings. It is especially difficult to define BPD when many of us, at one time or another, have identified with some of the symptoms of BPD: feeling abandoned, feeling empty, feeling hopeless. These are nearly universal human emotions. And yet, something about the way that borderlines act out these emotions is markedly different, and cannot be readily condensed into a bullet-point list. Fortunately, we have stories that we can use to make sense of the aspects of our lives that often cannot be processed and communicated in any other way.
Coraline is a handy modern fairytale that can be used to delineate the borderline relationship, and is instantly recognizable (to the point of terror) to those who have been in such relationships. Coraline represents the person who is in a stable but rather unhappy and boring relationship, bereft of surprises or special treatment – yet nothing beyond repair.
A borderline, whether they’re aware of it or not, is always looking for someone. Someone to… what? The heart of the borderline is described succinctly by the cat that plays the part of the protagonist’s intuition. “She wants something to love, something that isn’t her.” The borderline does not love herself; she lacks a center. What she has in place is a kind of black hole that warps everything around her, transforms minor slights into deliberate personal injury, mild interest into obsession, absence into abandonment, and draws in and consumes what gets too close.
The intuition-cat continues: “Or, maybe she just loves something to eat.”
A borderline (again, whether they’re aware of it or not) is always constructing a trap for someone. A personality disorder emerges because in one way or another, the disordered behavior “works”. If the traps were never effective, a borderline would stop constructing them. There are many people who feel empty, and choose to throw other things into the hole, such as work, alcohol, drugs, shopping, etc. The borderline consumes people because at some point, they found that it worked, and stuck with it. However – and this cannot be overemphasized – many borderlines are unaware they are doing this. For them, it is not a conscious choice to consume people, it is a need as necessary as air.
An elaborate trap captures a choice victim, with plenty of effort and emotion to offer. Coraline, despite the initial shock of seeing the Other Mother’s button eyes, is overwhelmed by the “treasures and treats and games to play.” Note that the borderline often readily shares intimate and unsettling details about herself, which serve to weed out potential victims who will not tolerate the antics to come, and also serve as justifications for those antics, should the person choose to stay.
PART 3: MIDDLE GAME
Eyes figure prominently in this story as the symbol for the soul. Even though the Other Mother has carefully constructed the surroundings and even her own shape to seduce Coraline, she cannot hide her soullessness. But, unless you have encountered it before, it might not be possible to recognize soullessness (i.e. emptiness) even when it’s staring you in the face (literally, in this tale). It can be mistaken for “intensity” or “artistry” or “trauma”.***
After giving Coraline a taste of what life with her would be like – endless fun, toys, treats, and a whole world that seems to revolve around Coraline: A show where she’s the star, a father who sings songs about her, a garden landscaped to resemble her face, being allowed to do and given whatever she wants – dizzy and giddy with delight, Coraline is suddenly presented with the bill. What does the Other Mother want in return for her love? Nothing less than Coraline’s soul.
In a gift box, she presents Coraline with the buttons that will replace her eyes when she gives her soul to the Other Mother. Coraline pushes the box away in horror and yells “You’re not sewing buttons into my eyes!” The Other Mother nudges it back to her and says, “But we need a yes, if you want to stay here.” At this point, Coraline has instantly recognized the reality of what the Other Mother has been doing to her. I.e. the seduction has failed. She resolves to leave that night and never return.
When the borderline has found a choice victim, she will not let go easily. It has been mentioned that this person must have plenty of emotion and effort: this is because the disorder (the disorder, not the borderline) thrives on conflict and confusion. Counterintuitively, a person who gives in to everything a borderline wants – a person who is empty, weak-willed or simply in love and eager to please – will bore a borderline very quickly. Without the energy generated by conflict, the relationship seems pointless. For this is the energy that sustains the disorder. As the disorder grows larger and more powerful, the borderline and her victims fade away. Sometimes, by the time a victim frees herself from a relationship with a borderline, she will already have a feeling of soullessness. (Coraline finds three of the Other Mother’s past victims locked away, faded into ghosts, having let the Other Mother sew buttons into their eyes.)
You know that I love you.” And despite herself, Coraline nodded. It was true. The other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money, or a dragon loves its gold. In the other mother’s button eyes, Coraline knew that she was a possession, nothing more.
“Coraline”. Book by Neil Gaiman, January 24, 2002.
When the borderline has established the fact of her brokenness in the beginning, at first it seems completely vital to comfort her every time she falls apart, and drop everything to do so. Her intense and irrational needs seem acceptable, given everything that has happened to her and everything that she feels. Her sadness can even appear to be profound and beautiful, as if she is in touch with some aspect of humanity in a way that not many people are. And in contrast to all this sadness, her manic moods seem all the more magical and exciting.
PART 4: ENDGAME
In time, the victim finds herself fighting for her life. As the borderline drops all pretenses and reveals her emptiness and all-consuming nature, the victim finds herself trapped in the world that the borderline has constructed to beguile her. The Other Mother transforms into her true, terrifying form, locks the only door out of her world, and swallows the key in front of Coraline. When Coraline leaves the house and tries to walk away, she ends up walking through an empty white expanse. She asks the intuition-cat what was happening, and he replies: “She only made what she knew would impress you.” The emptiness of the borderline serves as a blank canvas on which they can construct whatever their victim wants to see. Coraline continues to walk and soon ends up back at the house. When she asks “How can you walk away from something and still come back to it?” The cat replies: “Walk around the world.”
The world of the borderline is limited to her constructions and sealed off from the real world. Cut off from the realities of ordinary life – bills, friends who come and go, minor fights that get resolved, regular rhythms of eating, sleeping and working – the borderline constructs elaborate inner worlds in which everything is a drama, a spectacle, and everything matters more at this moment than anything that has ever happened before. She often lives in abstract social concepts and substitutes various -isms (feminism, racism, environmentalism, etc.) for the absence of a life that is grounded in physical reality. This is not to say that all people who are involved in social causes are disconnected with reality, but rather that to the extent that they neglect their own personal well-being and the well-being of real relationships with real people in their lives, they begin to live inside their minds more than they live in reality.
Because the borderline is trapped inside her constructed world, the only way she can sustain herself is to draw a person into that world. This is the world of her pain and the temporary enchantments that she can offer. This is why borderlines tend to be women: because a woman in pain is more compelling than a man would be.****
Using her cunning, and the help of the intuition-cat, Coraline finally manages to escape. As she flees, the Other Mother bangs against the door, screaming, “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me! I’ll die without you!” This is the final resort of the borderline, after all the other tricks of the trade have failed, as the victim is fully cognizant of the danger they are in and fully resolved to leave. Because of the immense manipulativeness of this statement, recovery of the relationship becomes impossible, and the escaping victim may be permanently scarred by the guilt that is thrust upon them by the borderline’s self-destruction.
In the end, Coraline returns to her boring life, content with her boring relationships. It is fortunate to recognize early on what the borderline’s love looks like, and know that it will not help her to be drawn into her world.
*not to be confused with BP, or bipolar disorder.
**capitalizing on the confusion of BPD with bipolar disorder.
***For this reason, many people with BPD are drawn to the arts: their erratic behavior can easily be explained by the “tortured artist” archetype.
****Men are more often narcissists, because a man who is powerful is more compelling than a woman would be.
My Name Is Trinity 