On the menu tonight: self-loathing, with a side of spite.
This is cherry-picked from TLP’s Shame, supposedly a piece about a sex addiction film, but TLP only ever uses things to illustrate ideas that make me hate everyone including myself. I’ve linked to it before but not again cause I don’t want to make it easier for people to read it and upset themselves.
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He knows what normal looks like – he can fake it – but he can’t feel it inside. What to do? Brandon tries to create a fake world where he acts like a normal person, and substitute it for the real one where he is not. This is why he walks around as one who is in a dream.
So with that seeing of a world within a world, Brandon decides to try a normal relationship – go on a date, connect, love. Of course he runs the date like it’s a movie scene, does things he assumes normal people do in normal relationships: he asks out a nice girl named Marianne, takes her out to a nice dinner, orders wine, talk about where she’s from, etc.
He did everything he could, upfront, to sabotage his chance for a real relationship. He chose her because he “knew” it would fail, and when it wasn’t failing he hit the failsafe: impotence. Just to be sure, he tells her on the first date he doesn’t think there’s a point to marriage. Glad we got that out of the way, gives a gal a sense of possibilities. That’s him trying to be normal? No. That’s him trying to fail.
He picks women he won’t get along with to reinforce his belief that he isn’t normal – so that he can just throw himself into his aloneness. He doesn’t want to change.
If this is true, it brings us to a very important conclusion: he was using her. No, he didn’t use her for sex, but he wasn’t going to really love her either. He was using her for his identity. Read this again and understand: when he uses a very nice girl with a legitimate interest in him for his pathetic charade at normality, he feels nothing for her.