A Few Questions

1. Where do the wild and lonely thoughts that come alive late at night go to sleep in the morning light?

2. When is a prison not a prison?

Spoiler: when it’s a VIP room in Bilibid

3. Why do literary theorists love so much to repeat words in such a fashion: “both fatal and fated to die,”* “both castrated and castrating?”** Perhaps it’s something they’re taught to do in school

4. Is the sudden and exponential rise of interest in large musical productions such as stadium concerts and music festivals a manifestation of the perennial human yearning to belong to something bigger than just oneself? For at these times the mass of humanity moves as one, even if it’s just to uselessly jump up and down like excited infants, or panicking interns

I am definitely missing out

5. I wonder if I could be able to go to the park every day and play there, and if my kitten can go with me.

6. Wonder what my kitten’s doing right now?

7. Why am I on so many medications?

8. So many famous historical figures, especially artists, were (or would have been) diagnosed with mental illness. Who’s to say what’s a mental illness, anyway? The DSM changes like a teenager’s mind about what to do with her life. How many of today’s would-be great artists are being medicated into stupors

9. Continuing that thought, I’d be the last person to say that one should preserve a clear illness just to maintain an artistic productivity. What I’m trying to say is that I wonder how many of the people diagnosed today with a mental illness actually just contain an excess of emotional and physical energy that would find a glorious outlet through an art form? With guidance and encouragement?

10. So much of modern life has to do with finding ways to trigger release of dopamine into people’s brains. There are infinite ways to do this. Phone apps are one of them. Every crop grown, row of jewels matched, like or heart triggers a release. What I wonder is, could the anxiety from being deprived of these things be as strong as actual withdrawal from a drug

11. When will everyone see that the transition of the economy into a renting economy needs more regulation? For as of now, companies involved in the renting industry take massive advantage of renters and rentees alike. (Airbnb of homeowners, Uber of car owners, Spotify of musicians, Steam of game developers, etc. etc.)

12. Why does this house make me so sleepy?

13. Will I be able to trade my board for another with different screw positionings?

14. Hmmm.

15. Why is MØ so emotional that her saddest songs bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes?

16. Could it be that a mastery of bokeh is the secret to successful and popular modern photography?

nothing could be better

17. How much of my hatred for popular culture is borne of jealousy and the bitterness of being forever an outsider?

My internal expression forever?

*John Weir,

**David Rudd, University of Boston

Featured image by Leonid Tishkov, from a series about a man who fell in love with the moon and spent the rest of his life with her (Private Moon).

 

Adventures With Periorbital Cellulitis Pt. 2: Relentless Burning the Invader To Death (Prime Suspect: Staphyloccocus aureus)

e

pt. 1 here

alternative title: Why I’ve Been Such a Huge Goddamn Bitch Lately

alternative title 2: Why Many Doctors Are Full of Shit

Exhibit A, two days ago immediately after release from the ER: 

Exhibit B, just a few minutes ago, immediately after application of a compress full of scalding hot water: 

Exhibit C, my med cert from that night. Details obscured because even though I hate the people who did this to me, I don’t know what people online might take it into their heads to do if this post were taken out of context. 

 

Roughly the following conversation occurred between me and my mom (a doctor) this morning (it’s very long, with many asides about school so I cut a lot out):

MD: How’s your vision on the right eye? Can you try looking at things while covering the left? 

Me: Vision is all right. It’s just the painful abscess that wouldn’t let me open it. It was so big and the swelling went down so fast that the skin there is now wrinkled oddly if you look closely. 

MD: So it’s small already? If it doesn’t go away by Saturday we need to see Dr. G. 

Me: It goes down fast with the hot compress but flares up again without it. That’s why it’s all I’ve been doing for the past 2 days. With breaks only for sleeping and eating and when my hands get tired. 

Very scary bacteria, this one. Causes lots of diseases all over the body. Something carditis in the heart, osteomyelitis in the bone, sepsis in the blood. Abscesses in the brain if a preseptal infection progresses to orbital. 

MD: I’ll text Dr. G. if what you’re doing is okay

Me: Tell him I check my vision twice a day when I change the dressing and it’s good. And there’s no redness in the surrounding area, so the skin hasn’t been burned. No tenderness also except on the abscess. 

Hm maybe I should email a pic? 

MD: Yes send me the pic. I also talked to Dr. U. He said to use a warm compress only. 

Me: Uh huh. I thought he would say that. But if I don’t do this, I’ll have to be admitted with antibiotic IV because otherwise the abscess grows again very fast. 

MD: It’s not the hot compress that would bring down the swelling completely. It’s the antibiotics. I would really strongly advise you to see Dr. U ASAP. 

Me: I don’t think you’re listening to me. I am taking the antibiotics regularly but unless I put on the compress repeatedly, the abscess grows again. Last night before I slept it had reduced enough that it looked like a stye. This morning when I woke it had grown so much that my eyelid was drooping a bit again. 

MD: That is why you should see Dr. U. Because that is not the expected response. It comes and goes – weird. 

Me: I told you it’s weird. That’s why I got scared. Not responsive to ointments or lacto or anything, only the hot compress

MD: But you are putting the Tobradex and taking Augmentin diba?

Me: Yes I am. Both of those as prescribed. Not responsive. It’s so strong. It should be cultured if possible I am very curious about it. 

It grows extremely fast. In a matter of hours. If I hadn’t gone to the hospital that night I’m sure it would have burst my septum and went to orbital cellulitis then brain abscess after that. 

It’s best if I can be examined at [redacted] because it’s nearest. I think you should get me a referral to a doctor of internal medicine. Ophthas seem to have no knowledge of bacterial infection. They just keep talking about my vision and there’s nothing at all wrong with my vision. 

It was a Dr. Q. who let slip that I should be admitted right before she immediately referred me to the awful ophtha. Her label on the med cert is Emergency Doctor. So that or internal med doctor is what I need. 

MD: Dr. U. is very knowledgeable. He mentioned to me the possibility of you being admitted to give you IV antibiotics. 

Me: Yeah I can tell he is but he’s quite far to see personally. 

MD: If you want pasundo na lang kita tomorrow AM but bring your important stuff in case he advises admission. 

Me: I’ve been eating so many vegetables that I’ve become really grumpy because I don’t like the way they taste. My appetite is much different, I have to force myself to eat. And some things smell much stronger to me now. I suspect there may be a mold or bacteria infestation in our bathroom because it always smells like poop even though no one just pooped and it’s very clean. 

My major symptom right now is grumpiness. 

MD: Your dad will fetch you tomorrow at 7Am and you will go straight to Dr. U. Bring your things in case he advises admission. The side effects of appetite and smell sensitivity are antibiotic side effects. 

 

Marketing and Multiculturalism

I.

It’s a predominantly American thing to want to manipulate reality instead of adapting to it (for examples: turning up the heat indoors instead of putting on more clothes, killing inconvenient wild animals instead of learning to avoid them, massacring natives instead of negotiating fair terms of land ownership). And since Filipino culture is mostly derivative of American culture, we buy into that shit too, wholesale.

Australians don’t massacre the frankly terrifying creatures in their land, but fatalities from animal attacks there are fairly rare – certainly much more rare than American fatalities from their fucking insane citizens who are constantly shooting each other en masse.

 

Bedouin tribes in the Saharan desert survive the oven temperatures sans airconditioning because of the design of their clothing. Black and white people can mix without making a huge deal of it in British society. The tendency to be uncomfortable with the unfamiliar / different, and the unwillingness to adapt and coexist without conflict, is a very American thing. I’m of course not saying they are the only culture like that (Bonjour, France!) but American culture is the most infectious of all.

II.

This tendency is the whole basis of marketing as we know it. They openly admit it in one of the definitions: To manipulate demand. Manipulate. Not to understand demand and therefore meet it in ways most advantageous to both supplier and consumer. Not to know the truth, but to force what you want to be true.

You don’t need a fucking iPhone to be happy, but they’ve made you believe it. I walked down the seaside boulevard once without a bra and no one grabbed my fucking tits (I think they will do that in Bombay or Calcutta, though). I look tired without makeup? I am, your girlfriend kept me up all night.

Heh.

III.

They talked about the best thesis. “They were so passionate! The panel asked them why they chose a bear for packaging and they had the research on hand to prove that bear shapes hypnotize people into buying cookies…” You think you can run a business on passion and trivia? Show up to  the SEC with a briefcase full of passion, fill out your tax returns with the trivia you memorized? Your product will sell, or it won’t. That’s it.

IV.

The problem now isn’t not enough goods manufactured, but not enough goods sold. Do you realize what a GREAT problem that is to have? That we humans have made production so efficient that supply far outweighs demand? The role of marketing is supposed to be the efficient distribution of goods – to make sure everyone can have what they need and nothing’s wasted – but now we use it to sell people stupid shit. We have people spending thousands on concert tickets, clothes, movies and dinners out,  when their houses are so dirty and poorly maintained, they eat fucking garbage all the time, they’re at work all day, then stuck in traffic, they never see their children anymore. Because they’re so convinced they NEED those things that they don’t, at the expense of things that they do.

Don’t get me wrong, I think a lot luxuries are nice to have. But it is absolutely fucking insane to neglect one’s basic needs to attain the nice non essentials.  And that’s exactly what marketing now seeks to make people do. So fuck them. I’m in this field and I know its purpose. I am different. I will do things differently.

Victim Blaming vs. Victim Responsibility pt. 1

 

this is gonna make him stop when he’s got his dick out

Buried this for a long time because I am having a lot of trouble polishing this concept but I’ve seen a recent resurgence in anti-slut-shaming whatevers online and I’m going to rush this series to help sort out this issue, before lots of girls decide to join y’alls in your hallucinatory world where real rapists can be fended off with catchy slogans.

Concept introduced to me by Jason Pargin.

* * * * * * *

I. Definition and Examples

Blame is an accusation leveled against a person for some undesirable situation (whether true or untrue). Blame implies guilt; that the person has done something wrong and should be punished for it. For example, if a thief broke into your house and stole your stuff, he is to blame for the crime.

Responsibility is an obligation for someone who has the ability to prevent some undesirable situation, or to bring about a desirable situation. Someone can only be held responsible if they have the ability to take action. For example, if a thief broke into your house and stole your stuff because you didn’t lock your door, you wouldn’t go to jail for it. You didn’t commit a crime. But you will still bear the consequences of your irresponsibility. If he is caught, you might be inconvenienced by the legal process of prosecuting him. If he isn’t caught, say goodbye to your stuff.

Another example: Terrorists are to blame for 9/11 because they bombed the towers. The US government is partly responsible for 9/11 because they created international policies that inadvertently made it easier for terrorist groups to form in the Middle East.

Another example you won’t like: Rapists are to blame for rape because they committed the rape. Victims who voluntarily put themselves in vulnerable situations are responsible for their own rape because they had the choice not to, and they did not make that choice.

II. Purpose 

The purpose of outlining responsibility is not to assign fault but to understand what actions are necessary to prevent the situation from happening (again). The alternative is to keep getting your stuff stolen, keep getting your citizens killed, keep getting raped all the time, because the world is cruel and life is unfair.