You keep me up with your silence

You take me down with your quiet
Of all the weapons you fight with
Your silence is the most violent

– Tell Me How, Paramore 

* * * * * *

I used to think that people were so lucky to have friends to spend time with (because I hardly have any) but lately I’ve noticed that even for people with many friends, their relationships have become more and more fragile and fragmented. It’s so easy to cancel a date, so easy to keep messaging “Let’s get together sometime,” telling yourself that you’re doing your part to maintain the relationship, and just never actually show up.

I have no idea what we’re all supposed to do about this. I do know that this is very, very bad news for all of us, and probably the main contributor to anxiety and depression. Uncertainty = anxiety. When the world is telling you that your generation is a failure, when the job market is telling you that your hard-earned skills are useless, when advertising is shitting on your values and repackaging your most precious emotional experiences to sell you laundry powder, what truth and worth is left in life except the love and trust that we have in our relationships? And how are we supposed to feel when it turns out that we can’t trust each other to be there when we say we will? How many of us can honestly say that love exists in our relationships – even in the ones where it did exist before?

the fucking laundry powder

I’m tired of getting over it
And starting something new again
I’m getting sick of the beginnings

By the way – it should go without saying that I rely on my girlfriend for human company and that I’d be totally isolated without her.

I think this is why having a significant other has become virtually a necessity in our social landscape. It’s evident simply from the sheer number of articles discussing why you don’t need a significant other – why must you deny it if the pressure wasn’t so strong to begin with? – and if it affected you so, it must be something you feel internally, too. I’d even go so far as to say that the pressure to have a significant other is a personal desire that is projected onto others as an external, societal pressure, so that you don’t have to face the fact that it is something you desperately want. Nobody shames people for not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend – that just isn’t a thing that happens.

SO’s are a necessity now because the monogamous romantic relationship has become the only type of relationship wherein one person can be reasonably expected to reliably be there for the other; it is the only relationship wherein it is acceptable to demand to be a priority, to demand that the other keep his or her commitments and not make excuses. This is something that most people seem to have become uncomfortable in asking even from close friends and family members. There is the fear of being labeled “clingy,” the shame experienced in the perception of having fallen down the list of another person’s priorities, and the pride involved in the unwillingness to admit that you value their presence enough that your feelings were hurt by their absence – if it is apparent that they don’t feel the same about you, how could you admit to the way you feel?

I can’t call you a stranger
But I can’t call you
I know you think that I erased you
You forgot me but I can’t forget you
And I won’t replace you

There is this need to keep up the illusion that our own lives are filled with exciting experiences and opportunities. Our real relationships are sacrificed at the altar of the illusion. Why should you feel bad about someone failing to show up at your apartment for a quiet night in, when you could just as easily go over to four clubs in one night and meet a dozen hot strangers? Maybe: because you and your friend missed an important conversation about your problems, your fears, and your plans, and instead you wrecked your liver with shots, your lungs with cigarette smoke and your eardrums with a hundred decibels of awful DJ’ing; and you met a dozen strangers who will never mean anything to you, and that you will never see again apart from the next nights of irresponsibility and running away from the pain of disconnection (if that).

I feel like I may have asked too many rhetorical questions in the course of writing this.

I’m procrastinating about my paper right now. I know this is the only ticket to getting out of here. And even then it’s more like standby booking than sure seating. But still…

When I think about this disconnection, I think about you. It makes no difference in the grand scheme of things, and the things I’ve described are true even if I had never met you… but the truth is that I think about this because of you and the hope you gave me that things could be different. For a short while, they were. It was all the difference in the world.

And now you’re gone. Yes, you’re still around. But your face is like a bolted door. And you don’t smile anymore. How do you do that? How do you close yourself off so completely? How did you learn not to need anyone (except your girlfriend, I suppose – though I suspect you could get by without her just fine if you had to)? I want to know, because sometimes this pain is almost more than I can bear.

The truth is that need you in my life. And this is as absurd as any ridiculous crush I’ve ever had, even if I now only want you as a friend. Even more absurd – a crush people can understand, but to want a friend so desperately? How much of a loser can you be?

You don’t have to tell me
If you ever think of me
You don’t have to tell me, I can still believe

A Few Questions

1. Where do the wild and lonely thoughts that come alive late at night go to sleep in the morning light?

2. When is a prison not a prison?

Spoiler: when it’s a VIP room in Bilibid

3. Why do literary theorists love so much to repeat words in such a fashion: “both fatal and fated to die,”* “both castrated and castrating?”** Perhaps it’s something they’re taught to do in school

4. Is the sudden and exponential rise of interest in large musical productions such as stadium concerts and music festivals a manifestation of the perennial human yearning to belong to something bigger than just oneself? For at these times the mass of humanity moves as one, even if it’s just to uselessly jump up and down like excited infants, or panicking interns

I am definitely missing out

5. I wonder if I could be able to go to the park every day and play there, and if my kitten can go with me.

6. Wonder what my kitten’s doing right now?

7. Why am I on so many medications?

8. So many famous historical figures, especially artists, were (or would have been) diagnosed with mental illness. Who’s to say what’s a mental illness, anyway? The DSM changes like a teenager’s mind about what to do with her life. How many of today’s would-be great artists are being medicated into stupors

9. Continuing that thought, I’d be the last person to say that one should preserve a clear illness just to maintain an artistic productivity. What I’m trying to say is that I wonder how many of the people diagnosed today with a mental illness actually just contain an excess of emotional and physical energy that would find a glorious outlet through an art form? With guidance and encouragement?

10. So much of modern life has to do with finding ways to trigger release of dopamine into people’s brains. There are infinite ways to do this. Phone apps are one of them. Every crop grown, row of jewels matched, like or heart triggers a release. What I wonder is, could the anxiety from being deprived of these things be as strong as actual withdrawal from a drug

11. When will everyone see that the transition of the economy into a renting economy needs more regulation? For as of now, companies involved in the renting industry take massive advantage of renters and rentees alike. (Airbnb of homeowners, Uber of car owners, Spotify of musicians, Steam of game developers, etc. etc.)

12. Why does this house make me so sleepy?

13. Will I be able to trade my board for another with different screw positionings?

14. Hmmm.

15. Why is MØ so emotional that her saddest songs bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes?

16. Could it be that a mastery of bokeh is the secret to successful and popular modern photography?

nothing could be better

17. How much of my hatred for popular culture is borne of jealousy and the bitterness of being forever an outsider?

My internal expression forever?

*John Weir,

**David Rudd, University of Boston

Featured image by Leonid Tishkov, from a series about a man who fell in love with the moon and spent the rest of his life with her (Private Moon).

 

Where Pedophilia Comes From

I. ANECDOTE TO LEGITIMIZE MY OPINIONS / MAKE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME

My [redacted] and [redacted] both made sexual advances for me around the same time when I was a kid (about 9-10 years old). I had nightmares while that was going on. In the most vivid one, I dreamed that I was on a bed and struggling against [redacted]’s grasp; my nails were dug into the skin of his arm as I pushed him away from me. I woke up suddenly and my actual nails were dug into my twisted sheets.

It was years and years before I told my [redacted]. Out of curiosity, I asked her what she thought would have happened if I had told her when I was still a kid. She said, “Your [redacted] might have murdered him.” I said, “Yeah, I thought something like that might happen.”

II. CHILDREN ARE IRRESISTIBLE

Once you begin to see people, really see people, it’s impossible not to love most children. They’re helpless, cute, eager to please. Like dogs. I can’t resist dogs. Most people can’t either. Even though dogs will slobber on you and steal your shoes and pee on your things.

But it’s a “thing” to love dogs – it’s not a thing to love children. You don’t accuse a person of bestiality when they say they’re in love with a dog; but the automatic assumption when you say you’re in love with a child is that you’re a pedophile.

“Well, I can say that you look pretty. You turn my legs into spaghetti. You set my heart on fire.” – Dillon, Thirteen Thirtyfive 

“Take me down to the bridge, where you know that I’ve always loved you… You look so beautiful it hurts me.” – Eisley, Golly Sandra 

The context of these lyrics is a parent-child relationship. But in your mind it doesn’t fit, does it? Because you don’t think an adult could ever feel intensely for a child unless it was pedophilia. There are boxes in your mind: all things INTENSE go into the box labeled SEXUAL. There isn’t any box for INTENSE NON-SEXUAL FEELINGS, aka LOVE, because no one taught you all about love, you know so very little when there is so much to know about it…

III. THEY REPRESS IT UNTIL THEY CAN’T REPRESS IT ANYMORE 

One of the results of this lack of knowledge about love is pedophilia. A parent – a father, about 99.9% of the time, I’d estimate – feels strongly for their child, and they don’t know where to put that feeling. They don’t recognize what they’re really feeling and how to express it, and so a natural, healthy affection becomes perverted into a pathological sexual desire.

They feel intensely, and because society says they can’t feel that way for a child, they repress it. Until they can’t repress it anymore.

IV. SUBLIMATION

It’s not wrong to feel that way for a child, but there are so many different ways to express it, to channel that energy, and sex is NOT one of those ways.

“What are the ways, then, for a parent?” Stop drinking so much. Do your work more efficiently so that you can come home early and check her homework. Buy her a guitar. Improve your relationship with her mother. Start working out. Become a better person. It’s hard work. Now you have your motivation.

There are so many things you can do. Just, for God’s sake, don’t try to have sex with her.

Marketing and Multiculturalism

I.

It’s a predominantly American thing to want to manipulate reality instead of adapting to it (for examples: turning up the heat indoors instead of putting on more clothes, killing inconvenient wild animals instead of learning to avoid them, massacring natives instead of negotiating fair terms of land ownership). And since Filipino culture is mostly derivative of American culture, we buy into that shit too, wholesale.

Australians don’t massacre the frankly terrifying creatures in their land, but fatalities from animal attacks there are fairly rare – certainly much more rare than American fatalities from their fucking insane citizens who are constantly shooting each other en masse.

 

Bedouin tribes in the Saharan desert survive the oven temperatures sans airconditioning because of the design of their clothing. Black and white people can mix without making a huge deal of it in British society. The tendency to be uncomfortable with the unfamiliar / different, and the unwillingness to adapt and coexist without conflict, is a very American thing. I’m of course not saying they are the only culture like that (Bonjour, France!) but American culture is the most infectious of all.

II.

This tendency is the whole basis of marketing as we know it. They openly admit it in one of the definitions: To manipulate demand. Manipulate. Not to understand demand and therefore meet it in ways most advantageous to both supplier and consumer. Not to know the truth, but to force what you want to be true.

You don’t need a fucking iPhone to be happy, but they’ve made you believe it. I walked down the seaside boulevard once without a bra and no one grabbed my fucking tits (I think they will do that in Bombay or Calcutta, though). I look tired without makeup? I am, your girlfriend kept me up all night.

Heh.

III.

They talked about the best thesis. “They were so passionate! The panel asked them why they chose a bear for packaging and they had the research on hand to prove that bear shapes hypnotize people into buying cookies…” You think you can run a business on passion and trivia? Show up to  the SEC with a briefcase full of passion, fill out your tax returns with the trivia you memorized? Your product will sell, or it won’t. That’s it.

IV.

The problem now isn’t not enough goods manufactured, but not enough goods sold. Do you realize what a GREAT problem that is to have? That we humans have made production so efficient that supply far outweighs demand? The role of marketing is supposed to be the efficient distribution of goods – to make sure everyone can have what they need and nothing’s wasted – but now we use it to sell people stupid shit. We have people spending thousands on concert tickets, clothes, movies and dinners out,  when their houses are so dirty and poorly maintained, they eat fucking garbage all the time, they’re at work all day, then stuck in traffic, they never see their children anymore. Because they’re so convinced they NEED those things that they don’t, at the expense of things that they do.

Don’t get me wrong, I think a lot luxuries are nice to have. But it is absolutely fucking insane to neglect one’s basic needs to attain the nice non essentials.  And that’s exactly what marketing now seeks to make people do. So fuck them. I’m in this field and I know its purpose. I am different. I will do things differently.

Victim Blaming Vs. Victim Responsibility pt. 2

The selfish lifestyles of the middle / upper class have created nasty inhuman individuals whose lives are so wretchedly poor that they no longer have anything to lose.

I’m sure someday we’ll solve this complicated social problem because we’re obviously the smartest people in the world. But for now, unless you’re rich and smart enough to be kept safe all the time (you always have your own car / driver, you have people around to look after you, you know what situations to avoid) you WILL face these inhuman individuals, and they WILL hurt you if they can.

Those slogans you see around? “My clothes are not my consent”? Those were created by rich white girls who have approximately 0.00000% chance of being gang-raped and left for dead. They don’t know you. They don’t know your situation. Why would you let them influence your behavior? They’re not your mother, they’re not your best friend, but most importantly, they’re not you. You owe it to yourself to understand your situation and protect your weaknesses.

I don’t want this online movement to make you ignore the danger of your reality. Like I said, someday we’ll solve everything – I’ll make the feminist equivalent of The Playboy Mansion where we’ll all live happily ever after and bond in sisterly love or whatever. You gotta stay alive for that. I’m barely in my twenties, dammit, give me some time. For now, I have these tips for you:

1. Glasses lessen the slut factor of any outfit by about 70%. If you have 20/20 vision, use a pair without lenses.

2. Fix your walk. It’s probably the most little-known yet significant factor of how criminals select their victims.

3. During events that end late at night, do not rely on transportation from vague acquaintances or flaky friends. If there’s no other transportation available, skip the fucking event. It won’t kill you, but a rapist might.

4. About 90% of guys who approach you when you look hot are just brimming with shit. Say you have a boyfriend or something. (Note: if you want a boyfriend who likes you for you, try dating someone who sees you often not looking your best. Like a PE classmate or something, god I don’t know.)

5. Become healthy and strong. work out a lot. eat vegetables. i’m sleepy

Sex, Solved

I.

What’s the difference between a partner and a fuck buddy? (Barring stupid games of sexual manipulation)

PARTNERS

Person 1: I’m headed to this place.

Person 2: I’m headed there too.

Person 1: Wanna go together?

Person 2: Sure!

* * *

FUCK BUDDIES

Person 1: I’m headed to this place.

Person 2: I’m headed somewhere different, but I can go your way for a bit. Want me to come?

Person 1: Sure!

II.

There was someone, once, who would see me when she was around. She promised me nothing. We knew there was no future at all for us. She made it clear for me in the sweetest way.

She touched me and held me outside. Sent me money when I was broke. (That was nice.) Fucked me just how I like it. Toasted me with sweet wine at brunch, and said: Everyone here knows that I want you.

She was never mine, and I was never hers. Everything was so… good…

So many people have promised me the world. No one has delivered. It’s somehow all worse when they try and fail, than if they never try at all.

III.

In this society, people want everything to be simple. It’s ALWAYS or NEVER. It’s THE WHOLE SHITLOAD or NONE AT ALL.

There’s nothing unusual about someone sprinkling pepper on his food, but if you see that same person eating bowls of pepper, then you know he’s got a problem. In some aspects of life we do understand the concept of moderation. Right? So why do people think they have to be BORING NERDS or STUPID SHITS? Why is it ROSS or JOEY, when Ross is a martyr whose goodness is unsustainable and unhealthy, and Joey is disgustingly selfish? Why is it that people think I must feel only SWEET PLATONIC ADORATION for someone or WANT TO USE THEM LIKE A FUCKING WHORE? No one seems to understand how it’s possible for me to respect and admire someone and also desire them sexually.

The question isn’t how I combine the two, but why they were ever separated in the first place. If everyone felt and nourished sexual desire only for people they respected, that solves the whole problem of rape culture / sexual harassment / “it’s complicated” – type relationship where one is screwing the other emotionally. That’s how sex is supposed to work between humans, because of this whole society thing that we have where we aren’t compelled biologically to fuck everyone all the time to propagate the species. (See: every other living thing on earth.) We have these complex brains that make sex a socially complicated thing. It’s not just for making babies anymore. It means a lot of things. It’s difficult to handle. That’s why children aren’t allowed to have sex. That’s why you need to think and act like an adult if you want to have sex. And that all starts, again, with consideration for another person’s thoughts and feelings.

“But we agreed it was just sex!” Shut up. Humans rarely ever say what they really mean. Most communication is nonverbal. Babies and children understand situations and build relationships with others without knowing a single word. You communicated things without words. You made promises with your kisses. I know you didn’t mean to, but you did. Your words don’t excuse you. And if someone did this to you, their words don’t excuse them either. If you’re going to nitpick a previous agreement to escape your obligation to take care of the feelings of the human being you’ve been fucking, you’re not a person who’s trying to have a connection with someone else; you’re a freaking lawyer. Put your dick away and take your shit to court where it belongs.

IV.

I have sex with someone now. She reads this… (Hi!!!) We talk. I like to make sure that she’s fine, and she does too.

I know it sounds like bullshit, but I really do think that someone else can make her happier than I can.

I won’t claim a heart that I can’t care for.

Your dear heart is probably more precious than you think. And if I stole it by mistake, I’m going to give it back because hearts belong with whoever (whomever?) can care for them the best.

But since we’re both going this way…

Once again, narcissist

I.

The main distinction between children and adults is that children have no ability to take care of others. If intelligence were the distinction, then prodigies would have to be classified as adults, and the cashier lady at school and Wilben Mayor would have to be classified as children.

This is because the ability to take care of others can only come after a person has learned how to take care of herself. This takes time and experience, and children just haven’t lived long enough to gather experience.

II.

Narcissists and borderlines are essentially children who never grew up. It’s officially recognized in psychology that children are narcissistic by nature. This basically means everything is about them, everything – including negative things. So it isn’t just the definition of narcissism that you’re used to, the one of the guy or girl who thinks they’re hot shit. If Mom is having a bad day and acting like a dick, a child will think it was his fault, because he can’t yet understand the truth that other people have lives of their own, with problems and feelings that have nothing to do with him.

Children are also “borderline” by nature – that is, they’re needy and dependent. So why isn’t narcissism and borderline behavior considered pathological in children? For the same reason that constantly shitting your pants is normal for a six-month-old baby, but not normal for a teenager: because some behaviors are developmentally appropriate only for certain ages.

That’s why it’s completely useless to insult the sadness and confusion of teenagers. You wouldn’t insult a baby for having dirty diapers because she literally can’t help it. It’s the same for teenagers, poor creatures. Making fun of their behavior without any helpful solutions is a waste of time.

So when I use “borderline” and “narcissist” I describe only the age group 21+. This is obviously an arbitrary age I’ve picked, because people mature at different rates according to their life experiences and when their hormones decide to calm down / their prefrontal cortex develops. I’m just assuming that 21, in general, is the age when most people start to become the person that they will be for the rest of their lives.

III.

Egotists and narcissists often look alike. An egotist is a real adult; a narcissist is a child standing on stilts. A push in the right place will knock her over. A narcissist is always afraid of this happening, and thus is constantly on the defensive.

IV.

Halsey: “Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me? Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?
Do the people whisper about you on the train, saying that you shouldn’t waste your pretty face like me?”

Hayley Williams: “There’s no one road. We should not be the same. But I’m just a ghost, and still they echo me. They echo me in circles.”

Only narcissists seek for others to copy them exactly, to validate their harmful behaviors. Egotists encourage others to adapt to their own personal situations – in other words, to learn to be happy with their own lives, whether or not that involves imitating some of the egotist’s own behaviors – because egotists know that what is right for them may not be right for others. This understanding is only possible when a person is capable of seeing outside of herself, outside of her own life, to perceive the needs of another person.

V.

I happened to cross paths the other day with someone who used to know [redacted]. I told him that I loved her, and that she had a boyfriend and I was glad for it. He was completely confused by this statement. He tried to insinuate that I’m just waiting for my chance to swoop in and claim her. (“You just have a big crush on her!”)

It’s impossible to explain to a complete narcissist what it’s like to have the inclination and ability to care for another person because they have no experience of doing that. The pathological narcissism of an adult-aged person is completely different from the natural narcissism of a child, because a child has no choice. A narcissist chooses not to learn to take care of others.

How could I explain to him that it’s possible for me to find someone attractive, and to not want to claim her as my own because I know that she’s happier with someone else? All he knows is “mine” / “not-mine”; and nothing that isn’t “mine” means anything to him.

Filipinos Don’t Give a Shit About Each Other pt. 3

I.

“Trinity, are you a communist?” Fuck no. Communist countries perform like shit. Citizens who escape from countries like that think that capitalism is the best thing ever.

 The beliefs of communism center on the idea that inequality and suffering result from capitalism. Under capitalism, private business people and corporations own all the factories, equipment and other resources called “the means of production.” These owners can then exploit workers.

 

Communism differs from socialism, though the two have similarities. Both philosophies advocate economic equality and state ownership of various goods and services. However, socialism usually works through the existing democratic structures of capitalist countries. Almost all capitalist countries have some socialist characteristics, like the public schools and Social Security program in the United States.

In contrast, communists state that capitalist economic and political systems must be completely overthrown through revolution.

Historically, such communist revolutions have never yielded their intended utopias of equality.

– Michael Dahr for LiveScience

The intention of communism was to eliminate human suffering through equal distribution of resources – whether or not somebody worked for those resources. The rich take care of the poor. Sounds great, right? Why doesn’t it ever really work? Because taking care of others requires creative solutions for their problems, and compassion for their plight. Creativity and compassion are things that are impossible to force out of people. You can force people to give up their money for others, but you can’t make them care about those others. Sooner or later they’ll revolt.

II.

This is why Scandinavian countries almost never experience dissent despite the enormous tax rates necessary to fuel social services: because the citizens actually want to take care of each other. Nearly half of their income is taken away from them – they don’t mind because they know it’s all used to take care of other people, who in turn will take care of them. It’s used for the medical services that will care for them when they’re sick; for the educational system that cares for their children; for the welfare programs that care for the people who are down on their luck; for the retirement programs that will care for them when they’re old.

In this environment, nobody needs to be selfish; nobody needs to commit crimes. To the point where their prisons are better than luxury condos in the Philippines.

Imagine yourself in a prison that commands a view from a tourist brochure. Your cell phone lies on a shelf, next to a TV and CD player, inside a prison that lets you go to paid work or study. There is no perimeter wall. Prison staff will help you with free-world social services to cover a missed month’s rent on your family’s apartment. Another will help you look for work, or for the next stage of education. Imagine yourself a prisoner who knows he is in prison for what he did, not because of his color or class, or because he lacked proper legal defense. 

Nothing here feels unfair or unreasonable. You have, after all, committed a crime serious enough to make a range of other remedies untenable. Nothing you can see or touch or smell or taste, and no interaction with staff gives you anything to blame or resent about the system that brought you here. Everything is being done to help and prepare you to clear this secret and live again like others.

– Doran Larson for The Atlantic 

 

via theguardian.com

This is a cell in a maximum-security prison in Sweden. This is the conversation that I’m almost 100% sure took place before the creation of this prison:

Swedish official 1: Guys, apparently there are these things called “prisons,” and we should probably build some. All other governments have them. 

Swedish official 2: What are prisons?

Swedish official 3: I think they’re places where you put people who steal and kill and things like that. 

Swedish official 2: But nobody really does that here…? 

Swedish official 1: Nevertheless, we should probably have some. 

Swedish official 2: So, like, they’re buildings, and we keep people inside them? 

Swedish official 3: Yeah. 

Swedish official 2: Like apartments? 

Swedish official 1: Yeah, I guess. 

III.

All kidding aside: Why are they like this? What makes them so different from us? Why can’t we be like that?

“Because we don’t have enough money…”

The government bought a fleet of 200 BMW’s  used for A FEW FUCKING DAYS during the APEC summit. Those BMW’s cost an average of P6M each, and were sold to the public for around P1M each afterwards. That means they cost the government an average of P5M each. Here, I did the math for you: 200 x 5,000,000 is P1,000,000,000.

(How do I know how much they sold the BMW’s to the public for? Because I know one of the guys who bought one. And of course I’m not going to tell you who he is.)

In case those zeros are making you cross-eyed, that’s one billion pesos. One billion spent on fucking BMWs.

(Hmm, I wonder where that one billion slashed from the RH budget went? )

So no, it’s not that we don’t have enough money. Try again.

“Because our politicians suck?”

Our politicians are Filipinos. Filipinos lie, cheat and steal at every opportunity. It’s what we do. We were raised not to care for each other. What percentage of your income goes to charity? If you’re in school, do you ever intend to use your course to help take care of other people?”

“I have NSTP…” Where you walk around trying not to breathe and take selfies with the kids. You ever follow up the next year to see if those kids are getting good grades at school?

Don’t fool yourself. You don’t provide for others or defend others in any meaningful way. All you know is to say a lot of shit and to bring down people who are doing the hard, thankless work of taking care of other people. You do this because you were raised this way. You’re a Filipino.

Lessons From Tending Fish (Where I Say “S***” a Lot)

A few months ago, while wandering around at the mall looking at stuff, I saw a breed of fish called golden mollies in a pet shop. There were perhaps two dozen or so of them inside a tank. They looked like glittering gold flakes. The sight was one of the prettiest I’d ever seen, right up there with Malena Morgan’s piercing blue eyes.

Anyway, after that I got some fish and learned about taking care of little fish from various pet shop folks. Which brings me to lesson 1:

1. Take Advice From People Only When There Is Objective Evidence That They Know Their Shit (you’ve actually seen them doing the thing you want to learn how to do / a reliable source tells you that they know how to do it)

This is because:

2. People Are Full of Shit. 

For example, look at these two nincompoops on Yahoo Answers:

This information is irrelevant to everyone except an expert fish breeder, and an expert fish breeder would know all this by herself. The question-er is obviously an amateur, and has no intention of becoming a professional (same as me).

First of all: What is this stupid shit about separating fish by sex? Platies and mollies are tiny fish that sell for around P15- P20 in most pet shops, and thus it’s completely not worth anybody’s time to find out their sex. (The question-er stated the sexes of the mollies, of which there were only two, but not the sexes of the platies, of which there were fucking half a dozen. That’s because it doesn’t fucking matter).

Second: One of the most important things about a fish’s environment is to give them shit to hide in, like plants and those little ceramic castles. Not giving them that shit is kind of like if your parents never gave you your own room and everyone in your family just lived in one big room – one room for sleeping, showering, eating, shitting, masturbating. Stupid. Nowhere does answer-er mention that. Instead he talks about fish harassment. Of course they’ll harass each other if they don’t have anywhere to hide in and be alone and write fish poetry or whatever, and are forced to hang out with each other all the time.

Third: What is this brackish water shit? There’s no way an amateur can reliably maintain the salinity level of water. I don’t even know what device you would use to measure that, let alone be willing to buy it.

There’s more stupid advice below that, but I’ve made my point – that many “experts” will just fucking confuse you and give you stupid, useless advice.

Moving on.

3. Even People Who Know Their Shit Will Also Tell You Stupid Shit. Thus Rely Only Partly on Other People’s Advice, and Find Out the Rest From Empirical Evidence. 

(Empirical Evidence is fancy-talk for “You Actually Saw The Shit Happening”)

I live in a small-ish room and don’t have space for an actual aquarium, so purchasing a conventional glass aquarium for keeping my fish was out of the question. While looking for alternatives, I saw this:

This is a plastic tank usually used for keeping large insects and reptiles. It has: narrow slots for ventilation, a lid that snaps on tightly, a handle, and a hinged flap for feeding. It was priced at P165.

A conventional aquarium has: four glass walls. The smallest (which are only a little bit bigger than the plastic tank) are normally priced at no less than P1000.

Given the features of these two things, naturally it was hard for me to decide. Surprisingly, I found myself wanting the plastic tank. I don’t really know why.

Anyway, I asked Mr. Pet Shop Dude (who had given me other helpful information) if I could keep my fish inside the plastic tank. He said no because plastic would get too cloudy when filled with water.

Not having managed to keep any fish alive for any significant period of time in my whole life, I decided he knew better, and purchased the mini fish tank he recommended. Only much later I realized it was fucking made of the same plastic and had the same manufacturer – it was just smaller, more expensive and lacked the convenient features of the larger plastic tank. Fuck.

He wasn’t trying to trick me – he didn’t know either. I only knew because I fucking paid attention and Googled the items. He didn’t bother to find out because he has nothing to gain from finding out. He’d get paid all the same whether or not he tells customers that plastic releases endondomic biohazard toxins into the water, and glass releases probiotic crystals. “Wait, is that true?” Of course not. Endondomic isn’t even a word. On the other hand, I’m pretty poor and have an immediate and pressing interest in knowing how to save a buck. The knowledge of plastic vs. glass, in this case, is literally worth at least P800 (the difference between the price of a glass aquarium and plastic tank, in case you weren’t paying attention). For him it was worth nothing, so he didn’t find it out.

 

Roles People Play

I.

The question this generation is struggling (and mostly failing) to answer is “Who am I?” – the question of identity. This is because a strong identity is built on only two aspects of a person’s life: their work (the things they accomplish) and their relationships (the people they love and care for). Since most “work” taken up by people these days is useless. and their relationships are weak and shallow, they desperately seek for other things to define them: their favorite music, favorite writers, job title (from doing useless work), clothes, hair, school, social network, etc.

II.

Last week, [redacted] was losing her mind over the stress of planning an org event. Is it an accomplishment to pull off a successful event? Sure. Is it one significant enough to build your identity on? Not unless “event planner” is one of your lifelong goals. That’s perfectly valid. What’s insane is when you want to be “event planner,” and “yoga guru,” and “person who gets the most drunk at every party,” and “dean’s lister.” If you try to be all of those, you’re going to be none of those (except maybe the drunk person).

If pulling off a successful event isn’t a significant enough accomplishment to base your identity upon, then not being able to pull it off shouldn’t be a significant enough failure to undermine your self-perception. If it matters to you that much, then devote your time and effort to it. If you want a reputation as a successful event planner, then actually, you know, plan the event; allot time and delegate tasks. Don’t leave it all to chance then run around at the last minute screaming at people. (Also, don’t commit to planning an event without the assurance that you’ll have all the resources you need. If it’s miraculously successful no one will know or care what you went through to make it happen, and if it’s a failure you’ll look like an incompetent fool).

III.

After her birthday party, which we had thrown at unspeakably tremendous expense, [redacted] called in tears. She had overheard her friends telling each other that another blockmate’s party was way more fun because they had a lot more alcohol. These are her friends – the people she sees every day, tells everything to, spends all her time with. In other words, significant factors of her identity.

Look at their relationships: their pleasure in each other’s company is such that they need to be intoxicated out of their minds to find each other funny / sexy / exciting / not boring as hell. And she trusts them so little that a comment like that could deeply hurt her instead of just annoying her a bit or whatever.

 

IV.

One of the barriers to developing a strong identity is the unwillingness to play roles. This is what people usually mean when they say, “I won’t change who I am,” in response to a circumstance that requires them to do things that they normally wouldn’t do (for example, a guy who refuses to shave his beard to apply for jobs). They are saying, “I refuse to play a different role from what I am comfortable with playing.”

What’s wrong with this viewpoint of identity is that the human character is not made up of one aspect – one “face” – but is a complex conglomeration of many different aspects, each suited for playing a different role. Playing a role does NOT mean you’re “not being yourself”; you are displaying an aspect of yourself – like turning a particular facet of a gem towards the light – that is appropriate for the situation.

V.

If a military sergeant yells her recruits out of their bunks at 5AM, and yells at them all day in field exercises, then goes home and plays pretty pretty princess with her daughter, was she necessarily not being herself at one point or another? What’s the “real” her – the one who forces a recruit to do 50 pushups for an unmade med, or the one who sings “Let It Go” in a fluffy pink tutu?

Answer: They’re both her, because neither of those aspects are incongruous with the other. Like different facets of a single gem, she carries both these attitudes as different aspects of a person who is essentially a responsible one. She’s being responsible for the performance of her recruits. She’s being responsible for the happiness of her daughter. She’s not always going to be a sergeant, and she’s not always going to be the mother of a toddler, but this responsibility for others is who she is, and it will manifest itself in whatever form it needs to take.

(some clarifications to follow, I think)