Feminist / Pop Culture / sex

A Lesbian Recaps Maleficent

Maleficent is the most powerful fairy in her land. Her weakness is iron. As a young fairy, she revealed her weakness to a human boy with whom she became close. One night when they were older, he cut off her wings and stole them away while she was sleeping, and revealed her weakness to the human kingdom (the most vivid metaphor for rape / oppression of the patriarchy I’ve ever seen).

After that she built a wall of thorns around her land, defended herself, became closed off, the plausible responses when a person is betrayed.

Then she chose to take revenge on the man who betrayed her by cursing his baby daughter, you know this part.

Inexplicably, he then sends her away with some fairies who live in Maleficent’s kingdom. Inexplicably also, Maleficent starts watching over the baby she cursed, and caring for her (caught her when she fell from a cliff, sent her food when she was hungry, had her pet bird rock her cradle to help her sleep).

When the girl, Aurora, is almost of age(!!!!) Maleficent finally reveals herself in a creepy scene where she magically knocks out Aurora and brings her to a darkened clearing. Then she hides behind some shrubbery like a creepy stalker, waiting for Aurora to wake. When she does, the following convo takes place:

A: I know you’re there. Don’t be afraid.
M: I’m not afraid.
A: So come out.
M: Then you’ll be afraid.

Maleficent is dark, sexy, strong, powerful, damaged, jaded. Aurora is light, soft, sweet, innocent, young, dumb. I was terribly aroused, that goes without saying.

Obviously, Maleficent has been in love for a long time. Aurora falls in love here. “It’s so beautiful,” she gushes. “It’s everything dreamed it would be,” right before M. knocks her out again with magic knockout gas and puts her to bed, cause she’s in love and all, but children can be really annoying in their enthusiasm.

They have a bunch of sweet dates, going around the magic woods and probably having illicit sex while the camera is discreetly looking away.

at some point, M. tells A. about her trauma and loss:

M: I had wings once. They were stolen from me. They were strong. They could carry me high above the clouds, and they never faltered. Not even once.

Then on one of those dates, this happens:

A: When I’m older, I want to come and live here with you. Then we can look after each other. (“U-HAUL TIME!!!!”)

M: You don’t have to wait til you’re older. You can live here now. (“FUCK YEAH IT’S U-HAUL TIME!”)

Naturally though, there always comes that awkward moment in every lesbian relationship where it’s revealed that one put an evil curse on the other when she was a baby, as revenge on her dad whom she used to date. What a tool, I’m really sorry babe…

A. handles this discovery by running off to the palace to find her dad, who immediately locks her up while mobilizing his iron-fortified army to kill Maleficent. She falls into the curse and is laid out on a nice bed to sleep for a bit, hence the fairy tale’s name.

M. responds by looking for a prince to give her true love’s kiss and break the curse (“Maybe this life isn’t good for you babe, how about dating guys… EVEN THOUGH IT TOTALLY BREAKS MY HEART, I WANT YOU TO LIVE WITHOUT ME RATHER THAN DIE WITH ME” – oh my god the romance of it is so tremendous).

The stupid loser prince doesn’t break the curse, of course. He’s dragged away by the other fairies and Maleficent is left alone with the sleeping beauty. She stands over her and gives this touching speech:

“You stole what was left of my heart, and now I’ve lost you forever.”

That isn’t even subtext at all anymore.

Then she leans over and gives her a gentle kiss on the forehead, but of course we all know that’s only because you can’t show grown women passionately kissing young girls in Disney movies.

When Aurora (totally unexpectedly) wakes from true love’s kiss (!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!) the camera pans away discreetly again so they can have sex.

While sneaking out to shop at Ikea for matching bathroom sets and new bedsheets, they’re caught by the army, who proceed of course to lash M. with iron from all sides. M. yells at A. to run. Luckily, she runs straight into the room where her dad had locked up Maleficent’s wings all these years, in a heavy glass cabinet.

Back in the hall, M. is near death, pinned under an iron net. Her pet-bird-turned-dragon is caught in chains.

Aurora pushes the cabinet down and it shatters, releasing the wings. (THROUGH THE LOVE OF AN INNOCENT, TRUSTING YOUNG GIRL, THE POWER OF A WOMAN IS RESTORED!!! omg.)

As the wings reattach to M.’s back, she gives a small but significant sound, partly gasp and partly moan, pushed from the depth of her belly and cast from the back of her throat – not unlike the sound I emit in orgasm, or so I like to think.

She rises up, all leather and black wings and horns and pure unadulterated Angelina Jolie sexiness and power.

From then on, the battle against the patriarchy is pretty much in the bag, seeing as how if only women would support each other instead infighting and gossiping about each other and shit, things would be much better by now.

M. names Aurora queen of her kingdom, and obviously they sex happily ever after.


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