Cultural Lies II: (Illustrated by Online Dating)

The Lie: The only person you can trust is yourself.

When you hear advice that seems to always presume the worst about people, it’s easy to agree that it’s true. Here’s somebody who’s been around the block – he knows how the world works (and it works by everyone screwing each other over, all the time).

But in reality, this is passive-aggressive bullshit that’s slung around by people who like to paint themselves as victims. They’ve been burned a few times, so they pass off this “Everyone is out to fuck you” load as a hard lesson we all must eventually learn. It’s not. It’s their way of saying “Life is really hard, and all of my problems are completely out of my control. I cannot be held accountable for my current situation because it is a product of the corrupt state of the world itself.”

Yes, it’s probably a good idea to be critical of other peoples’ motives, and it’s always smart to keep your eyes open for potential scams. But basing your life on the idea that you’re the only trustworthy person on the entire planet is not only stupid, it’s dangerous. Not to mention one of the most narcissistic frames of mind imaginable.

A Better Alternative:

“Some people are bad. Know how to spot them.”

The entire point of making friends and being social is to weed out the assholes and emotionally connect with the ones who are actually good for you. It’s the same reason we look for romantic connections. Not so that you have a place to rub your genitals or to fulfill your biological obligation to make more people-animals, but so you can go through life with someone you love and care for, who also loves and cares for you.

We are designed to go through life in small groups, and forming those groups requires that we trust at least a select few people. You absolutely cannot let yourself get into the mindset that everyone else in existence is in on one huge game of “See who can fuck you the most creatively.” How egocentric is that? It is, in effect, saying that you are the only morally sound person on the planet. Add in a few hallucinations, and you’re virtually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

That doesn’t mean that you have to enter a room with rainbows shooting out of your asshole. Nor does it mean that you have to put on a blindfold and fall backward into every relationship to see if they catch you. There are indeed plenty of dickwads out there who will try to take advantage of you at the drop of a hat. But it also doesn’t mean that you have to approach every person in the same manner as you’d approach a rattlesnake. Constant distrust is for people looking to avoid the hard work of opening themselves up and building connections to others. They’re not cynical – they’re lazy.

– John Cheese for cracked.com

* * * * *

some personal observations about online dating (these are mostly generalities, of course):

1. Overly sweet / expressive (without having ever met you): in a relationship, looking to cheat. They don’t have time to build attraction, so they need to reel you in with flattery.
2. Very long flirty messages, no pic: not pretty.
3. Bisexuals: much less decisive than lesbians.
4. Won’t add you on FB after more than 1 week of a lot of messaging: probably a huge creep
5. Super long profile: probably narcissistic.
6. Below 25 years old: probably emotionally labile (includes myself). People above 25 can be emotionally labile too, of course. Common term for emotionally labile is BITCH BE CRAY, pardon my French.
7. Almost every girl who considers herself an intellectual lists Haruki Murakami in her favorites. I’m wondering what percentage of them actually really enjoy all that obfuscation. (Common term for obfuscation: get to the point, dude.)
8. Ditto for jazz. God I hate most jazz.

more to come later, maybe.

BTW these pertain only to dating, it was different with the people I became friends with – we did message for a long time before they trusted me with their precious FB’s, but I don’t have time for that anymore.

EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT (OR, SAVE YOUR F***S) pt. 1

I. CONTEXT:

The expression “I don’t give a f***”. Old people would say, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Means: “I refuse to invest emotionally in this.”

II. BREAKING NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS AND LOSING INTEREST IN HOBBIES

A. Guitar and Music 

In 5th grade, we learned how to play guitar. Our music teacher was old, so we were learning songs like “Leaving On a Jet Plane” and “Ocean Drive” and Elvis Presley songs. It was endless frustration. None of the guitars in the music room had nylon strings, and metal strings hurt like hell. Most of us learned just well enough to pass the practical exam, and never picked up a guitar again afterwards.

I myself didn’t play guitar again until 7th grade, when I began listening to [redacted] and, in general, became aware that music was a thing. Before that, I only ever spent my allowance on books (because I had no friends and didn’t need any money for going out). After that, I saved up for my favorite albums and listened to them for hours on end, fingering the liner notes, reading the lyrics over and over again and staring at the musician’s faces.

I lugged the 20-pound stereo that no one used anymore up to my room. After school, I’d sit on my bedroom floor as the sun went down and listened and listened and my heavy little heart would lift and fly. Nobody in my life understood me, but [redacted] sure did! (Adorable, I know.)

I wanted to make music just like them, so I got a guitar and taught myself how to play on the internet. It was very slow going. It was frustrating, too, and it hurt a lot but I didn’t care.

B. Languages 

From the satirical blog Stuff White People Like:

By far the most common self-improvement promise is to learn a new language.

This plan is first formulated when white people realize that two years of college Italian does not confer fluency. For the most part, these classes will only teach a white person how to order food in a restaurant, ask for a train schedule, and over-pronounce words when they are mixed into English. Amazingly this small amount of proficiency is more than enough to warrant inclusion on a resume under “spoken languages.”

For many white people the lack of a second language is their greatest secret shame. It fills them with so much shame that they will literally spend the rest of their lives promising to learn a new language, but not so much shame that they will actually do it.

In order to reach this level of fluency and obnoxiousness, white people believe they must put themselves into a local immersion. This means a promise to watch only Spanish language TV, listen only to Spanish language radio, read Marquez in his native tongue, and watch foreign films with the subtitles turned off. There are some instances of white people doing this for almost a week!

When this technique is unavailable or fails, white people will immediately turn to books and computer software as a last ditch effort to make good on their promise. After about a week, most white people will give up and blame someone for their failure (”this software is terrible,” “there aren’t enough people in Portland who speak Farsi!”). But rather than discarding the books and software packaging, white people will simply put them in the most visible part of their book shelf. This allows white people to believe that they have not failed since they can resume their studies at any time until their death.

There are many [redacted]-speaking people in my school. For some time now, I’ve been thinking to myself, “Since I’m here, I should probably learn how to speak [redacted].” It was just an idle thought.

Then, recently, I was looking for directions to a building, and approached two people who were working together on a display. When I spoke to them, I realized that one of them only spoke [redacted]. The other one gave me directions and I thanked him and gave an awkward little bow and smile to the other one. It was the first time I can remember actually feeling like I needed to know how to speak that language. I had the sense of being separated from a person by a wall, and I wanted to break that wall.

D. Women’s Rights

For some time last year, I’d been thinking to myself, “I should probably volunteer for women’s rights.” It was just an idle thought. I felt like it wasn’t, but it was.

Then one day, I was in an FX which was showing the movie Taken. I’d watched it before, but since I was depressed all the time, nothing could really make me feel sad. When I saw it that time, though, I started crying. The next day I signed up for a women’s rights agency.

(I went only a couple of times before I figured out it was bullshit, but at least I went, which was something I’d never done before.)