Rules For Cats


The first rule is.. Zzz

Since the common cat is one of the most successful species in the world by any parameter, right up there with ants and the ubiquitous hooman, it might be worth taking a look at some of their behaviors to see what contributes to their success.

(It could even be said that cats are more successful than both ants and hoomans, because even though cats do have the occasional territorial scrap they have never been known to commit genocide against members of their own species, which is a fairly common thing for both ants and humans.)

I have been fortunate in this endeavor to have an in-house consultant in the ways and customs of cats. She has generously agreed to provide her insights, in exchange for nothing more than room and board, a litter box, litter, food, a guaranteed spot on the bed, a pet harness and leash, a carrier, countless doomed toys, the opportunity to bite and scratch hapless hoomans, hours spent cleaning fur and scooping litter, deworming medicines and vaccinations, and anything else that she might deem necessary during her stay with us.

Now, on to the rules.

1. Seek approval from no one. 

Due to a bottomless and pathological need for approval, dogs are condemned to lives of being tied up in yards or locked in small cages, pulling sleds across Antarctica, sniffing sunburned tourists’ luggage for weed, wearing ridiculous costumes, being carried around in purses, and innumerable other indignities. Simply refuse. You are no one’s bitch.

2. Be self-sufficient. 

You can’t very well make demands without bargaining power. The bargaining power being “I’m going to leave this house and live out of trash bins and it is going to be a much more AUTHENTIC life experience than this bougie little setup IF I DON’T GET THE CHICKEN FLAVOR PRINCESS KITTEN CHOW”

3. Wash your hands. A lot. 

It’s just good hygiene.


4. The point of life is to be happy and comfortable.

There’s a quote that explains much of the misery of humanity. It goes something like: “Happiness is just a dog sunning itself on a rock. We were not put on this earth to be happy. We are here to experience great things.”

In the name of experiencing great things, (mostly white) hoomans throughout history love to leave home in search of other lands in case the hoomans there have nice things that they can take from them. In the best-case scenario, this is known as trade. More often than not, however, it results in good old genocide, whether it’s Europeans spreading smallpox to Native Americans or Shell funding war in Nigeria.

Catkind has even been dragged into this mess by being carried to places where they don’t belong. It’s not their fault that they’re amazingly adaptable to the point of wiping out endemic species due to flourishing so rapidly. They should never have been brought there. They were happy where they were.

This was meant to be completely lighthearted, but I think this has gotten away from me somewhat. Also, my consultant is attempting to sit on my keyboard.


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