Every night, in the several minutes between booking an Uber and its arrival, I stand around on the street staring at my phone. When there’s no one to talk to, I write a few lines. The streets are usually dark and deserted by then, and apparently these are my thoughts. They don’t really mean anything.

* * * * *

I. Years 
The years have fallen on me
Like snow on a statue
Heavy on the shoulders
Settling in the cracks
Piling in thick drifts
around the feet 

Inside me
My heart is beating

There is something warm
Something still barely alive
Underneath the coldness
Underneath the hardness
Underneath everything
That has claimed my body

You will never know
About the nights I cried for you
Alone in the darkness
You will never know
Of all the times I almost called
You will never know
How I’ve watched from afar
Seen you give to someone else
What you promised me
And never made true

How I hate you

How I still –

What do I call this wildness
This fire,
Red with fury
Rose with tenderness
Yellow with cowardice
Green with envy
Blue with sorrow

This fire
That even after all this time
Even deep inside this coldness
Still flickers
Still burns

For you and no one else

II. Guns

In my mind, the two of them have fused
Into one great and terrible creature
Each one has the same angular body
The same lines around the eyes
The same strong arms and gentle fingers
That nevertheless always waded
Between my ribs and muscle
And could reach deep inside my chest
Like no one else ever could
To hold the softness inside
To break the fragile inside

One my penance
For the other

I go to all the same places
Hoping to catch a glimpse
Even just of the eyes
Even of the gentle fingers
Entwined with someone else’s

There isn’t a trace
I don’t think they would know me
Just another face in the crowd
As invisible as the everyday commuters are
To each other
Scurrying in the rain on dark streets

When you pull the bullets
From a wound
You will know the gun
That fired them

I would know them
I would know them anywhere

* * * * *

III. La Fumeuse

In a dark alley
Away from prying eyes
Uncover me
Hold me between your fingers
Set me on fire

I want to dangle from your lips

Breathe me in
Let me sear your lungs
Breathe me out
Release me to the wind

And afterwards
I shall be less than a memory
Thrown away and ground
Beneath your sole

But they will never know

That I have invaded
Into the most hidden corners
Of your chest
And not even the sweetest breath
Will ever reach me
In all its slow and patient searching  


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