I never really understood cutting as a practice until today, I think. I’ve heard before that it was a way to feel something, to destroy so that you could experience healing – but that never seemed quite right.
Well, this morning I watched a video by this girl talking about what it was like to be in a relationship with someone who had bipolar disorder. Over the course of about an hour her emotions shifted from melancholy to regret to nostalgia to rage to confusion to tenderness to disgust to probably more I missed because I stopped watching.
Then I read the comments, which I certainly knew better than to do.
Bipolar people shouldn’t be in relationships. If you meet a bipolar woman run, run far away. You cannot help them heal. No matter how much patience you think you have, it won’t work.
Youtube being Youtube, that was to be expected. And I know, absolutely I know, that there are many bipolar people who are in happy relationships and make them last.
But I listened anyway and I read anyway.
It’s telling that the relationship I remember the most fondly was the one that destroyed me most thoroughly.
It’s my version of cutting.
I get why (some of them) do that.
It’s punishment for the guilt.
The only thing I’ve ever found that works, is to understand your guilt as not coming from the failing but generated by you as self-punishment, so that you can go on with the rest of your life.
The guilt always stays with you. Always. It never goes away. Never.
The mistake is in thinking that misery and self-loathing are the “bad” things you are trying to get away from with Ambien and Abilify or drinking or therapy or whatever, but you have this completely backwards. Self-loathing is the defense against change, self-loathing is preferable to mental work. You choose misery so that nothing changes, and the Ambien and the drinking and the therapy placate the misery so that you can go on not changing.
There’s so much work to do.