- Writing a beautiful song: Lift a chord progression from a song you like, then write lyrics to it. C G Am F works fine for most ballads. (Stay With Me by Sam Smith only has three chords for the whole song, I think)
- Making penetration feel really good: This is actually super easy for a guy if his penis bends at a 90 degree angle. For everyone else, use your fingers to feel for a ridged spot, then push at it lots and lots of times with your fingertips (hopefully strong at this point from playing many beautiful songs that you wrote on the guitar).
- Masturbation for women: It’s more about the abdominal muscles than anything else. Google “coregasm”.
- Staying committed to somebody: Just remove the possibility of being with anyone else from your mind. Imagine that they all have fig leaves in their crotches instead of genitals or something. Or that their favorite dish is secretly anchovies on ice cream and once married, they’ll eat it all the time in front of you. The point is to devote your time and attention to making your relationship work, instead of wondering what it would be like to fuck somebody else.
- Avoiding asthma, allergies and other respiratory problems: Get a Blueair filter and stay inside with it all the time.
- Quitting addictions (including food addiction) and severing toxic relationships: You see, trash has a way of accumulating in places unbidden and unsought. When you throw the trash out of your life (break up with a boyfriend, quit smoking, quit a bad job, etc) new trash will come right in to take up the space they left (a new awful bf, junk food, a new bad job) unless you consciously devote your efforts to keeping the space clean and empty, or to filling it with good things. Suggestions for things to do: read Cracked.com, listen to the Cracked Podcast, volunteer at PAWS, make new friends, work out, make repairs and decorations around the house, window-shop, go on fun dates.
- Getting over someone who doesn’t love you: You can’t immediately change the way you feel, but you can control your actions. Get rid of everything that reminds you of them, including virtual stuff. Don’t talk to them. Talk about them to other people to express your feelings, but once that’s done, don’t go back and repeat yourself. That makes the ideas go around and around wearing a path in your brainways kind of like those sad horses in Tagaytay that go around and around on one dirt path all strewn with shit. Acknowledge the feelings, then make the decision to get over them. If you want to talk to your ex, force yourself not to. Take a walk or see a friend, leaving your phone behind.
- Having a tight vagina: I’ve often encountered ‘loose vagina’ as a pejorative term in pop culture. It’s not that hard to have a tight vagina. Just stick a needle in it and inject it with bacteria poison. (Vaginal rejuvenation = botox for your vag)