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rambles II

Malena Morgan humanized porn for me. Before her, I was never curious about porn stars as individuals, the way I became curious about my favorite musicians and (non-porn) actors. My then-gf was also very much into her, and we often talked about her. One day, we were musing about the thought process that goes into becoming a porn star. Like, how does a person go from “I will reveal my naughty bits only to someone/s very special, and guard them zealously in my daily life” to having sex on camera for consumption of, well, everybody?

I mentioned Helena Bonham Carter’s character in Sweeney Todd (I think maybe I’m the only person who could relate cannibalistic murder to selling sex), specifically how she sort of eased the audience into not being completely disgusted with their whole gruesome operation. After Sweeney Todd murdered his first victim, she exclaimed something to the effect of, “How could you! Killing a man that done you no harm!” – the same reaction that the audience has, so that you feel like she’s a character with some degree of sanity – and then when Sweeney Todd replies, “He was blackmailing me. Half my earnings,” she said, “Oh. Well, that’s all right then.” Even though, obviously the audience wouldn’t readily leap onto that train of thought, I think it does nudge them into being at least a little more sympathetic with the two murderers, having already accepted and agreed with her first statement.

So, it seems that the path from “normal” to “fucking weird” is just a slippery slope down which some people are more likely to fall, given a nudge and push here and there.

For example, with Malena, she already had an exhibitionist streak. Given the events that unfolded throughout her life (things like discovering a sex book with a friend when she was very young, the types of relationships that she was having, the opportunites she was offered), going into porn seemed like an organic process for her, not a decision that she was forced into by circumstances or whatever (which is what it seems like for a lot of porn stars).

I don’t know if it’s obvious from all my recent entries about porn, but I’ve also been curious about trying to go into porn myself. Right now I feel like it’s probably never going to happen, but there was a period wherein I quite intensely wished to try it when I was older.

For no reason at all, I want to document the slippery slope – the thought process, as mentioned at the beginning of this ramble, which led me to the conclusion of wanting to become a porn star.

  1. I started watching porn about 3 years ago. I was on vacation in a rented house and very bored. My friend sent me a link to porn (not as a joke, he expressly said it was porn) and I clicked on it. I had a lot of fun watching, because I’d been having sex for about a year at that point and I could clearly imagine how all the things they were doing would feel in real life.
  2. I had a thing of some sort for a while with a woman who lived in another country. We were usually naked on video call, even if we were just talking, though everything we did was pretty tame. I liked those calls a lot. She also asked me for naked pictures. After we stopped seeing each other, I kept taking naked pictures on my own. Since I’m a lesbian, I don’t think it’s completely narcissistic to say that my own body turned me on at the time.
  3. A friend, who was a film major, was working on a project based on the poem “The Emperor’s New Sonnet,” which is just a blank page, because Jose Garcia Villa can do whatever he wants and it isn’t fair. (We once spent 1 1/2 hours in English class discussing that one poem of his that’s just a semicolon or something like that.) The project was basically just taking videos of naked people. She shot my scene in a shower. She spread coffee grounds on my skin, which looked like dirt, probably to symbolize guilt or some shit, and filmed me washing it away. The whole experience felt very comfortable for me, though it didn’t really have a sexual element to it. I realized that I didn’t mind people seeing me naked.
  4. I dated a girl who had a shockingly filthy mind. I’m extremely filthy-minded myself, though I think hers was a level above mine. We sexted a lot, but what was really surprising to me was how lascivious she could be on camera. It was just on the verge of freaking me out a little, but all in all, it felt quite natural.
  5. I discovered Malena Morgan.
  6. I started having a lot of thoughts about helping to make sex a much more pleasurable experience for women. One of the things I read was that the social stereotype of women not wanting sex, and men wanting it all the time, isn’t because women don’t want sex per se; it’s that they know that a guy isn’t likely to bring them pleasure during sex. That would explain why lesbians have a lot more sex than straight women, and orgasm more often.
  7. Me being comfortable with being naked + having a life of mostly positive sexual experiences + Malena Morgan humanizing porn for me + wanting to help people, especially women, have better and more meaningful sex = I want to be a porn star

It would also be helpful to illustrate this process through force vectors, which is a way of framing any cause / effect situation that is simple yet useful for communicating complex ideas – I’ll try to do that tomorrow.

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