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Renegade

I’ll sail much further on. I’m a renegade. I always was.  – Hayley Williams, Renegade 

As Christmas approaches, my thoughts turn naturally to my social inadequacy and horrifying lack of love in my life.

My ultimate dream is to leave this country and have a family someplace else. And I want to be concerned with ideas about how to make things better, always better. And I want to be as fit and beautiful as Malena Morgan.

Due to all these strong wishes, I’ve become impatient and intolerant of everyone around me, because every minute with them is another minute away from working towards what I want. I don’t have friends. I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m hesitant to be in a relationship because there is no one who wants the same things as fiercely as I do. Or exists as free of expectations as I do.

I’m currently trading the todays I could have enjoyed – hanging out more with people, doing more fun things, buying stuff I like – for some glorious distant tomorrows.

When I met C., she was living so austerely that I wondered how she could stand it. And I wondered why – why not move to a better apartment, why not buy nicer clothes, why not enjoy your life? I realized later that she could be patient about it because she knew that after graduation, she would probably be rolling in piles of cash (or something like that, we never talked much about it).

I suppose I’ve been in that same mindset for the past few months. Staying unattached now, so that I can be free for true love in the future. Avoiding people, so that I can spend most of my time reading and writing and working out (sort of). And so that I can escape all expectations and all pressure.

But today I was struck by the thought that perhaps I would randomly die soon, and then I’d be sorry about all the opportunities I passed up, and all the connections I abandoned.

Or that I would just simply not make it out of here.

It’s just a little bit sad.

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