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oh my head

I’m feeling self conscious now because of using big words. I feel disconcerted at the fact that I now seem to have an audience of sorts. I feel as if maybe I seem like some monocled snob or stuffy grad student who thinks she knows everything.

When I took singing lessons as a kid, the only thing I remember from that time was: never apologize before a performance. It seems basic but if you really think about it, it’s an important part of what separates a weekend-karaoke / open mic singer from an actual paid performer – that ability to put their best on the line and give no indication of insecurity.

They had to tell us that because it’s apparently instinctual to many people, even from childhood – “look, I’m not very good at this, please don’t criticize me.”

I usually have to fight That instinct whenever I write anything that has strong opinions in. So this post right now is me admitting that I’m actually not as headstrong as I may sound, and I’m not all that confident about some of my opinions, especially when I don’t have enough sources on hand.

that “disclaimer” instinct may seem like it’s for the benefit of the audience, but it’s ultimately self-serving: “i can’t handle criticism, so I’ll criticize myself before you do.”

well, i need criticism, so I leave that out.

******

It would also be interesting to trace the evolution of this blog at this point in time, since it has turned into something I didnt quite expect.

– I used to have another blog which was all about being lonely and being a terrible girlfriend. After the breakup, I went on a dating site and linked it to my profile so that everyone would know how lonely and terrible I was. My ex got on the same dating site and viewed my profile. I panicked, blocked her, locked that blog, and created this one so that everyone else could keep seeing how lonely and terrible I was.
– I named it Lessons because I wanted to talk about things I’d learned from my life. I also named it What I Did Wrong because that’s the title of my favorite book by John Weir, and because I felt like all the lessons were coming from things I’d done wrong and wished not to repeat.
– for a while I just kept writing about being lonely and terrible.. then I started reading a lot of The Last Psychiatrist and listening to Cracked.com podcasts. These things in combination created so many thoughts inside me. TLP is cutting, extremely bitter; Jack O’Brien and Jason Pargin are, not exactly tender / compassionate in their delivery but quite hopeful most of the time, and always funny; both very brilliant and full of insight. I’ve always had a lot of strong feelings about life in the Philippines but I never really had anything constructive to say about it.
– i wrote my thoughts.
– i got a stylus phone so I could write with ease whenever and wherever I got an idea.
– i started consciously trying to reduce my use of the word “I”, which forced me to talk more about things other than me
– i got questions.
– i started answering them.

and now here we are.

I’m not a grad student and I don’t own any monocles.. or tweed jackets or corncob pipes…. sometimes I’m mildly intoxicated as I write, which you may have gathered.

All my writing is colored by my life. As I’m sitting here writing about generations and parents I’m thinking of my parents and the sacrifices they made, imperfect as they are. As I write about the human need for love I’m thinking of growing up alone, nobody understanding me no one to talk to.

no matter how many big words I use, deep inside I’m kind of still just that little kid spilling all her hopes and dreams into a notebook.

I’m fully aware of how corny that sounds but no, I won’t apologize this time.

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