ho hum

___ has gone to ___ for a while; I’ve been here trying to avoid everyone and to figure out how to relate to another human being without a. getting wrecked or b. wrecking them, and so far I haven’t been very successful.

I’ve written a lot of things, drawn some too, but I distrust myself right now so I’ll keep them to myself.

One C. is confusingly adoring; I distrust that too – nobody likes me that much except people who think they are in love with me, who then turn on me when they inevitably discover that I’m not who they think I am. (Who do they think I am? I have no idea.)

In keeping with my ongoing efforts to avoid human contact as much as possible, I’ve scheduled next term’s classes in long blocks with no breaks. I still only have three days of class in a week, leaving me free to prewrite my masteral thesis, learn yoga and become a chef and masseuse, all while pantsless inside my room (just kidding, I’ll probably just sleep 4 days a week).

Another C. (different C.) has found someone, she’s much more beautiful and smarter than me, so I’m glad for that.

Haven’t seen R. in ages.

My friend and I want our dogs to have babies. They are very lonely and they both sit in our gardens and stare outside for hours. I’m pretty sure they’re thinking of each other.

I have about another 2 years to go before I get P back.

It’s hard to adopt the viewpoint that there is no larger reason behind everything, and that my decisions working out is no more than a simple matter of luck, most of the time.

Speaking of luck, it has been very good these past few months.

Lucky to have class near the building I live in now, and to have gotten curious enough to walk in and check it out;

lucky to not have to travel to school anymore;

lucky to be arrogant enough to feel all right being alone all the time;

lucky to have a sweet, smart, quiet roommate;

lucky to experience a 3-day school week and recognize how efficient it is;

lucky to have room to dream;

lucky to still feel for this;

lucky to still have hope –

It’s hard to give up the conceit that all these things are working out for me because I deserve them somehow, and that I’m meant to do something great with them – I mean, hasn’t that been hammered into all of us since childhood? But giving up the idea of rewards also comes with giving up the idea of punishment; giving up the search for meaning lessens the pain of finding none; giving up a belief in a Reason for Everything means no disappointment when things happen for no reason at all, which is how they happen most of the time anyway.

It would be nice, for a while, to just keep breathing and doing things.

Still, as much as I’ve tried, I just can’t seem to shake this fearful love (?)

I can’t get used to another.

I miss her weight, I miss her beating heart

This is the only thing that feels alive, everything else is just existing.


One thought on “ho hum

  1. “There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
    There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
    There is society, where none intrudes,
    By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
    I love not man the less, but Nature more,
    From these our interviews, in which I steal
    From all I may be, or have been before,
    To mingle with the Universe, and feel
    What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.”

    -George Gordon Byron


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