TLP says that all those silly movies about emotional, needy people “finding themselves” and becoming confident are actually portrayals of people with borderline personality disorder becoming narcissists.
Recently I’ve started to believe that people don’t determine their identities as much as they think they do. As if their identities were soft clay that they molded deliberately with their own hands. I’m starting to believe now that people are mostly shaped by their circumstances. Most of who I am is because my parents are rich. If they weren’t, I would not have been able to leave my first uni; I would not have had time to be sad; I would not have a “condition” with a long name and doctors and treatment, I would simply be a nut.
I wasn’t always this way, I swear I wasn’t. I don’t know how to explain just how needy I am. You had to have been there. But if you had been there, you definitely wouldn’t want to be around anymore.
My heart is changed. I can’t, I just can’t deal with any amount of uncertainty. Where I would have felt nothing but desire, now I feel fear. And again I’m thinking about it too much. Which always makes the problem worse.
She’ll never know what I’ve pushed away. Things I wanted to say, things my insides were screaming.
“I convinced you to walk barefoot with me to the middle of a frozen lake.”
I’ve made no promises but my touch betrays me –
“I know I said the flowers were coming. I said I knew the way.”
Always like I’m thinking about it too much, that’s what everyone would say –
“Now I’m sorry that the water we’re drowning in isn’t at least warm.”
No, it will never get that far.