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On marriage II

Your relationship isn’t worse, it is different. Your love has to grow up or else you will think you’ve fallen out of love. “How can you incorrectly think you’ve fallen out of love?” Well, how many times have you incorrectly thought you were in love? 

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I’ve fallen in love with some catastrophes… but how on earth could I choose whom I fell in love with? The heart wants what it wants, even if what it wants is on Prozac. How could I select my love based on career concerns? Is the logic that my soulless zombie skull would love anyone who agreed to do half the chores? Sure, you may indeed succeed in life, but at what cost? 

The system doesn’t care about your human happiness, and it most certainly doesn’t care about you caring about your partner’s happiness – it only cares about your role as producer / consumer. 

“Half of all marriages end in divorce.” But this isn’t a failing of marriage itself, the problem is you. You think the string of butcheries in your past are the fault of monogamy? The single commonality in all of your failed relationships is you.

Unfortunately, it sounds crazy to say, “Wait for true love!” It sounds regressive to say that pushing yourself at work might not be worth trading your family. But that’s the trick, the system has framed that question as binary, as if there were no other possibilities. 

– TLP

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It pretty much ends there, so I’m not sure what conclusion TLP drew from all that. Maybe it’s simply free association, nevertheless it made me think. I’m at a point where I have to start deciding what I want to do with my life. And not just in terms of what’s right / acceptable but what will make me happy. Nebulous as that is, I’ve seen unhappiness, I’ve seen too many people swallow whole the ideas they were fed, about what makes a good life, and now they’re choking on them. I don’t want to end up –

  • working late nights and pursuing a grad degree for a vague intention of helping the country, and periodically standing just a little bit too close to the edge of the train platform and wondering what it would be like to jump
  • middle-aged, beautiful, skilled, wealthy and never really in love with anyone except for the mirror
  • old before my time, miserably tied to a controlling partner and a bunch of greedy, ungrateful children

the ideas that resulted in such unhappiness –

  • not knowing what else to do
  • nobody was good enough
  • there was nobody better at the time

The middle ground, then is what I have to find. Much easier said than done, and all advice is useless, unless there’s a book out there written for a young female college student who displays aptitude in ____ living in ____ whose parents have an income of ____ with nearby companies who have openings for ______. Conversely, any advice I could give is probably going to be useless too, because no one precisely has my life and I have no one’s life precisely either.

Everything is so uncertain, and as I get older and older the feeling inches closer to apprehension than hope and excitement at the possibilities. A focusing is also a narrowing; no one tells us this, no one tells us that it’s inevitable, and most importantly that it is necessary. Or how to steer. Or how to make peace with unchangeable consequences.

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