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if the constant selfies with my dog are any indication…

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Schizoid personality disorder’s trademark symptom is self-imposed social isolation. Above all, someone suffering from the disorder will avoid human relationships… someone with the disorder is more likely to form stronger attachments to animals than people…

 The disorder manifests itself by early adulthood through social and emotional detachments that prevent people from having close relationships. People with it are able to function in everyday life, but will not develop meaningful relationships with others. They may do well at solitary jobs others would find intolerable.

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T. (a psychologist) has cautioned me repeatedly not to self-diagnose and I’m not doing it right now – I obviously don’t have it – but I’m starting to think that I will soon.

I don’t think I’ve told anyone this, but I didn’t simply stop loving A. I was a person who loved her, and I didn’t want to anymore, so I became a different person, one who did not love her. Even though I didn’t feel that way, I made the change by acting like I did.

  • I stopped making excuses for her behavior, even though they were already formed inside my mouth
  • I forced myself to put my phone away and not text her or check for her messages even though I wanted to, every minute
  • I stopped arguing with my friends who said I needed better
  • I deleted every digital trace of our relationship
  • (There were no physical traces; if there were, I’d have removed those too)
  • I flirted with other women
  • I didn’t pick up the phone when she called
  • I didn’t write or talk about about wanting her back, even though I did

Some of these felt utterly strange and wrong to do, things I previously thought myself incapable of doing. And little by little, through acting as though – as though I didn’t want her, as though I didn’t care how she felt, as though there was nothing left to save, as though I had moved on –

I made it true. I became first that person on the outside ( through my actions,) and then the inside, (my thoughts and feelings) changed too.

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It’s the one of the hardest things in the world, to walk away and leave something, e.g., a relationship for dead when you carry even the tiniest spark of hope inside yourself that you could breathe it back to life.

It didn’t stop on its own, I forced myself. Because I could not live on that precarious line of our indecision, constantly torn between love and self-preservation.

In the end I don’t believe there was any definite right or wrong – only our separate realizations that we could live without each other.

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I’ve been having this recurring thought, I may or may not have told it to someone or everyone:

I’m not a misanthrope, I want everyone to live well. I just want them to do it far, far away from me.

That’s not totally true, there is a part of me that wants that, and there is another part of me that wishes weird needy things like

  • that it could be possible to non-sexually cuddle and sleep together with platonic friend/s
  • that ___ or I would cry sometime in the dark like we did our first days here, now that we know each other well enough not to pretend that we don’t hear
  • that ___ would call me when she’s sad like she said she thinks of doing sometimes
  • that ___ would come around here more often
  • that someone would knock on the door and borrow something and talk
  • that ____ and I could write letters to each other again
  • that I could join a movie night upstairs
  • that some interesting classmate would talk to me

At the moment I could be one or the other, not necessarily a person who would do all those things but maybe in theory, or at least would enjoy them if they should happen.

If the outside configures the inside – i.e., if the behavior alters the thoughts as well as the other way around, then this behavior – as though I miss no one, as though I can take or leave company, as though I don’t wait for the call or message or the knock on the door, wait and hope, as though I can give my body and keep my heart, as though I can hold someone and not wish to claim her, as though I can “come to still waters, and not love the one who came there with me” –

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Right now I don’t believe there is any definite right or wrong about this – only a realization, yet to come, about whether I’d rather be lonely or alone.

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One thought on “if the constant selfies with my dog are any indication…

  1. Unsolicited Comment:
    “T. (a psychologist) has cautioned me repeatedly not to self-diagnose and I’m not doing it right now – I obviously don’t have it – but I’m starting to think that I will soon.” <—- If you're starting to think about it then STOP thinking about it, you're pretty smart so I think you can control your thoughts, you obviously don't have it (like what you said). Whatever you feed your mind, whatever thought you think of and feed to your inner self will eventually devour you on the outside and will eventually become "it". The mind is pretty mischievous don't let your thoughts take over you.

    "I don’t think I’ve told anyone this, but I didn’t simply stop loving A. I was a person who loved her, and I didn’t want to anymore, so I became a different person, one who did not love her. Even though I didn’t feel that way, I made the change by acting like I did." "Some of these felt utterly strange and wrong to do, things I previously thought myself incapable of doing. And little by little, through acting as though – as though I didn’t want her, as though I didn’t care how she felt, as though there was nothing left to save, as though I had moved on – I made it true. I became first that person on the outside ( through my actions,) and then the inside, (my thoughts and feelings) changed too." <—- It takes a lot of courage to do something like this, specially if you really love someone, so I admire your courage. Personally this is what I do when I want to stop myself from unnecessary emotions/attachments or to simply detach myself from certain people. Sometimes we lose the people we love or hold on to because time, fate, and the odds are no longer on our side. Love, relationships, crushes, admirations etc., are part of the universal cycle we call LIFE and are bound to either last or be part of the past, its inevitable and the only thing we can do is move on in order to live our story. Along the way we either gain or lose certain people no matter how significant they are because thats how every story is, its eventually bound to lose or gain someone or something but that doesn't mean that its the end, its simply just an ending to a short lived story while life prepares you for a new one. While holding onto something that's meant to drift away can be a choice, it would only be an insane burden or worst a pandoras box of never ending pain. Its like trying to carry a broken piece of heavy glass on an endless journey without putting it down because you don't want to let it go no matter how shattered or broken it already is, pain for most people is not something they have time for but sometimes opt to live with because of the illusion of memories, that certain individual/thing holds. Life is like surfing and its fun to do alone although sometimes you surf with someone but eventually one of you will fall and will catch a different wave taking you or her to a different side/place and by the time you reach shore you either see your surf buddy approaching, dancing with the wave towards a different direction. . .or worst DROWNING (haha). You guys were meant to catch different waves and land on the same spot or ride waves and land separately, either way you must continue to live.

    "I’m not a misanthrope, I want everyone to live well. I just want them to do it far, far away from me.
    That’s not totally true, there is a part of me that wants that, and there is another part of me that wishes weird needy things like…" <—- This is currently my definition of life right now. I want everyone to live well but away from me although there are things that I'm wishing for that involves interacting and trusting people… which I find kind of a hassle since emotions are the kind of luxury I do not have time to deal with. But I think the needy-ness is what makes us human and its up to us if we'd accommodate those needs or not. Hypothetical or not, the listed needs above or other kinds of it aren't that impossible to achieve, its simply a matter of choice if you'd accommodate it and act on it or not. At the end of the day your choice is what defines your situation and whatever the outcome is? Its also up to you wether you'd care and let it consume you or not.
    —————————

    Choosing to be alone or lonely? <— I'd suggest living alone rather than living lonely… being alone doesn't necessarily mean you'd have to live completely alone "singular" form. It could eventually be living alone with the person that would be willing to be with you no matter what and not leave OR living alone with a loyal pet and if someone won't be available to live with you alone or if a pet doesn't last alone with you then being perfectly alone "alone" would also be fine too. There's nothing wrong with it and sometimes its the best decision that we could ever take because we'll be free from unnecessary interactions with toxic people or decisions & commitments that would make life extra annoying, days could be spend reading books, writing, self-improvement, etc. Living lonely on the other hand is just…Lonely. Its sad and not to mention painful in an invisible fucked up self inflicted way. There's nothing in life to be sad or lonely about no matter what kind of circumstances you have, had, or going through right now because the fact that you're breathing and living is something to be happy about. What more if you were rich right? You could actually use your wealth to do something and make a difference and that too is something that will eventually give you happiness. Loneliness is just an illusion, a self made emotion that you have the power to control and get rid off, it won't give you anything nor make you anything, it will just make you more and more miserable if you start and keep on feeding it until it sucks the life out of you. Being lonely is like living dead and we all have an eternity to be dead one day but for now, making the most out of your opportunity to live is the best thing to do.

    🙂

    Like

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