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rip br

Tonight I opened my laptop and discovered that my charger wasn’t working anymore. It’s old and frayed and taped in places so that’s not surprising. With 67% battery I was looking forward to masturbating, which is sometimes the highlight of my day, unless I’m doing something much more exciting like buying dishwashing liquid.

checked my messages

did you hear?

what is it

[redacted] is dead 

suicide

*****************

She was an upperclassman who was coursemates with my then-girlfriend. Sharp as a tack, funny, beautiful, well-known, well-loved.

I was on abilify so I slept all the time. I smoked a little weed and lay down on her bed and slept while everyone stayed on the porch and she cuddled with her boyfriend on the porch swing and the sun went down and when I woke up again it was dark outside and their faces were illuminated only by the glowing burning tips of their cigarettes

took a taxi to the party and she was wearing a very tight top and I wasn’t supposed to be staring and everyone was drunk and my ex’s ex threw up again and again on the grass and lay down I was kneeling beside her and saying let’s get her inside and she raised her head and said, fuck you

the dead girl was my ex’s gf’s best friend and she said my gf was weird

the next time is saw her at [redacted} she had forgotten my name

the best friend has watched other friends die and all she said was “no goodbyes” while others flooded the dead girl’s page with their epitaphs. and this absolutleyl wasn’t a case of, oh i never said a word to you in real life but you’re dead now so let me just… no in life and death she was loved loved loved.

*****************

are you okay? 

yes, why wouldn’t i be? i didn’t really know her.

but i’m not, oh no, scarred and scabbed over i still bleed sometimes.

she was alive and now she isn’t and it’s wrong.

my new life of needing nothing going nowhere for no one notwithstanding i still want to somehow know in the back of my mind that you are all breathing and if today isn’t so great that at least you will wake up for tomorrow.

my hands are empty my gifts hidden but my heart shakes from where i’ve tied it down and buried it, and if i could make it, if i could give a little without giving too much –

i would have loved loved loved her

maybe it would have made a difference maybe not

but.

well, i’m not shocked.

but.

it’s terrible but i’m glad i didn’t know her.

but.

***************

it’s just one more breath. it’s just one more step. and another after that. and another, and another and another.

if i hadn’t thrown up the poison, if the curtain rod hadn’t broken, i wouldn’t be writing these words right now.

i dont’ know how you did it but

if the blade had been too dull

if the car hadn’t started

if the pills couldn’t be kept down

if the window hadn’t been high enough –

who would ever know if you would have saved the world ?

**************

I was happy looking forward to the surcease of pain.

that’s the truth.

**************

i was never like you and i’ll never be able to do what you would have done but i made it and you didn’t. i don’t really believe that lives are comparable but…

back when the confessions page was popular one of the entries for you asked you to please stop smoking so you would live long. you smoked likea  chiminey. but then everyone did back then. but those were the kinds of thoughts people had about you. not only about you in your present form but we wanted you to live, live live.

*************

i’ve nothing useful to say about this. i was there and all i can say is that i was too stupid at the time to get the job done and that was a wonderful thing. i don’t think i’m exactly capable of love right now but as sure as sunrise i know there’s a family in one of my tomorrows and i’ve got to live to see that. i don’t know your faces but i know your smiles and you are part of me right now waiting to wake and grow.

*************

if i could buy you another tomorrow. just one more. just one more.

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