small tears

Music: Above and Beyond – Sun and Moon 

Sometimes you find the sweetest melodies hiding in EDM songs (which I mostly find intolerable when sober).


This is my first day as a 21 year old. Soon, Red turns 22.

Navigating around her is like trying to touch a cat that alternately winds around your legs then snarls and swipes, claws out, when you come too close. `

But no matter.


My [redacted] is [redacted] a [redacted] , so I turned 21 sitting alone in a restaurant at midnight while they [redacted] in [redacted]. I went home and ate my favorite foods, but they didn’t really taste good.

He was actually the one who asked me how Prozac makes me feel, and I wrote that while trying to think about how to describe it. Of course, it wouldn’t fit in a text, so I simply told him, “It makes you okay with anything that could happen to you.”

That’s accurate too, and definitely much more concise.


Someone asked me how I can like people and not let them in. I guess I’ve got no heart left to love with. Or, maybe I just want to try a different flavor of heartache this time.

Me: My needs are unreasonable.

B: Why do you say that? 

Me: Because I’ve had so many failed relationships. After a certain point, I had to start admitting that I was the problem. 

B: They’re called needs. You have to have them. You can’t settle for any less. 

Me: Then I’ll be alone forever. 

B: Will you really?

Me: Well, not literally… 

B: It’s okay to be alone. 


Last week, paying for a drink, the barkeep’s hand briefly touched mine. He looked up, apparently in surprise, and said, “You have really soft hands.”

It was kind of like that, the first (sober) evening. Her cheek.

She smells sweet. I can smell it even when I’m not that close to her.

I don’t know.

In her soft, sweet way she’s slipping in.

We went to [redacted] and she held my hand.

In The Giver, he carries memories to use. Memories of snow and rain to feel cold. Memories of sunshine and hearths for warmth.

(or something like that, it’s been a while…)

I blow onto my cold hands while remembering her fingers laced through mine.

I don’t know.


I am 21 years old and I am okay with everything, I am just warm enough.

I have had such privilege / and have wept / admittedly small tears  – Stephen Dunn 


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