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Our Honeymoon

“Honeymoon” by Lana del Rey 

We both know that it’s not fashionable to love me
But you don’t go cause truly there’s nobody for you but me
We could cruise to the blues
Wilshire Boulevard if we choose
Or whatever you wanna do
We make the rules

Our honeymoon, our honeymoon, our honeymoon

Say you want me too, say you want me too 

We both know the history of violence that surrounds you
But I’m not scared, there’s nothing to lose now that I’ve found you

There are violets in your eyes
There are guns that blaze around you
There are roses in between my thighs and fire that surrounds you
Dreaming away your life
Dreaming away your life
Dreaming away your life

***********

My focus is shot. It’s from being sick. It’s from looking for attention and affection. It’s from staying up late and having too many browser tabs open. It’s from reading too much Cracked. It’s from listening to music while working while writing while eating while reading The Last Psychiatrist. I should stop it. Maybe tomorrow.

I’ve been speaking to one sad girl and one happy girl online. I still love Red, but I don’t know if she wants me to, so I’ve stepped back. I think about A. often and how the only one I loved more than her was myself.

***********

It’s a troubled relationship that’s lasted 21 years. November 2013 could be most accurately described as my attempt to break up with her.

Summer 2012: We swam every morning in the sunrise. We slept in during the day. We watched movies at night. We were all alone in the small apartment and made all our favorite dishes and never wore any clothes behind the drawn curtains. We lay on the couch in the darkness with nothing but the silence and dreams and discovered ourselves.

I’m conceited, of course I am. What I am not is: dissociative. That’s not what this “we” business is about. According to psychology, sometimes when a person just absolutely hates a part of himself or herself, to cling to the identity they want, they split off that part and essentially hold different persons inside them, and that is how they can simultaneously believe opposite things. Well, I’ve never been able to do that; I’m sure that’s a blessing. When I loathe myself, I loathe my entire self. When I love myself, I love my entire self.

We are in love again, for the first time since that summer.

Forgive my egotism, but I could only hate her for so long.

I don’t hate her now, but things are still difficult. And the nights are so cold. Can I be forgiven, too, for seeking warmth?

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